So step to the right, give up the fight When you're standing in the dark, it's hard to see the light

This essay discusses bully, body image and body image issues, body shaming, and a McFlurry of other problems. If this is not the discussion for you, feel free to see yourself out of this one, and I will see you next time.

There has been something ruminating in my brain lately. I have been thinking about the NLOG phenomenon, and as I talk it over with my friends--- who all seemed to have skipped that phase---, I realize that it was not only prevalent, but encouraged, in the early 2000's. I mulled it over for weeks, trying to figure out what I was experiencing, and it finally dawned on me: I do not hate other women, other women hate me.

It just makes me so sad because I always want everyone to win. I want to be everyone's friend. I always want the people around me to succeed and be the best versions of themselves. I don't see other people as my competition, I just don't. Maybe it's because I was so isolated, I wasn't socialized "properly" enough to pick up on those kinds of "normal" social cues or "normal" socialization. But the more I have thought about it over the last year or so, the more I have realized that so many people around me were in some silent competition with me, or I had something they wanted, and then they in turn hate me for it.

If I am being honest, it's something that I have always experienced, but never knew how to put into words until only very recently. It goes back to elementary school: whilst my male classmates were particularly violent towards me (sending me home with literal black eyes and fat lips),  my female classmates were the ones saying the nastiest and most evil things imaginable. And, yes, I understand that kids say nasty things to each other, but the level of sophistication of the vitriol isn't something I have forgotten. To be frank, those were awfully sophisticatedly racist insults coming from 6-7-8 year olds for me to just hand-wave it away as "kids being kids."  And, then, of course, when I went through puberty prematurely, and got a lot of unwanted male attention which came in the form of sexual harassments  and even more viscous comments,  the hate that I received from my female classmates doubled down.

A lot of the girls who were especially nasty to me were ones who were supposed to have been my friends. I have also been thinking about this a lot--some of my most viscous bullies had been people I considered my friends. They're all still friends with each other, and obviously not friends with me. I've thought about that a lot recently, too; I had introduced them all with each other---as I always have to make sure everyone is always included--and some how was yeeted from my own friend circles the way Dumbo is ostracized when they make him a clown. I'll touch on this a bit more later.

Now, I want to side bar for a second to talk about the component of NLOG where a NLOG will "only have male friends," because "girls are too much drama." And, whilst there is something to be said about that potentially being problematic, have we ever considered the way that these women/ girls were treated by other women/girls that would make them feel this way? This sentiment doesn't just exist in a vacuum is what I am saying. If YOU were viscously bullied and relentlessly tortured and excluded by other women/girls, would YOU want to be friends with them? I feel as though this is too much responsibility being put on one party, and reneging accountability from the other.

Anyway, back on track--

Honestly,  for me it didn't stop  in school. There were always other girls/ women, who were absolutely convinced I was going to "steal" their significant other (which, if you know anything about me, is absolutely laughable). (Like I have said countless times before--I do not want him, and I don't even know why you want him.) I mean, first of all, you cannot "steal" other human beings--least of all in relationships--if these people are predisposed to have wandering eyes, there's nothing that I can do about it. Secondly, if that were the case, why would I bend over backwards to try to be your friend and make you feel as welcome in my life as humanly possible? It just.... it's just not congruent with reality, is what I am saying. I can think of one girl in particular who was openly hostile towards me because she was convinced I was going to "steal" her boyfriend--and, mind you, this was someone I had politely rejected, and she would go onto marry. Again, the insecurities and the projection onto me... it's just not congruent with reality.

This little nagging feeling came up in my brain again recently when people (whom I thought were some of my close friends) started making really underhanded and passive-aggressive comments or sharing mean memes about "women who think they look younger than they do," knowing that I have body dysmorphia. Just when I think I have a solid group of friends and I have weeded all the bad apples out,  someone in my inner circle surprises me like this.

(Yes, it's this photo again, but there's a point to sharing it, I promise!)

The reason I have been thinking about this again recently was because of something that happened on a recent trip to Japantown in SF. It was just a little something, and I don't think my friend who was there with me even noticed it. But I noticed it, and it's bothered me since May. For two months, I have thought about this wordless, micro exchange, that made me feel awful. There was another woman--whom I can best describe as someone who I am sure  was--or still is-- very big on Tumblr, in the video store, and she kept scoffing at me. And it seemed as though she wanted to be in the very closed quarters of the store where I was. I waited for her to say "excuse me," and I would have gladly moved for her, but she just continued to scoff at me and act like how dare I exist. She looked me up and down with disgust. I finally darted to a different part of the store, feeling what I can best describe as "yucky." I didn't say anything about it to my friend when it happened.

The other thing that kills me about this whole thing is, whilst she obviously detests that I even exist, and was daring to be in her way, I kept thinking about how cute her outfit was--it even had scallops! Like I am sure she went on Tumblr or Twitter and bitched about me and how I used my privilege to take up space, that I was "hogging" the area of the Fluffy Puffy shelves--or some shit. Like, we were both wearing cute outfits in the Japantown video store, I am pretty certain we have much more in common than not! And, I get it, that's a lot to read into an exchange that was basically nothing--but having yet another instance of another woman showing open distain towards you for doing nothing starts to add up.

Here are two other times in recent memory when I was out and about in public, and received open distain from other women because my body dared exist in a public space:

hahahaha, YEAH. I KNOW.

I keep thinking back about that night at Disneyland, where I wore the above outfit, and then a couple of days later, almost got heat stroke because I was wearing too much clothing after that night of open scoffing and disparaging comments.

And, I know, I know, sticks and stones, etc., but words really do harm--and, added to the fact that these kinds of interactions consistently happen to me, it all starts to add up. 

It's other little things, too. I am part of a couple of fashion groups on Facebook, and I never, ever get likes or comments. I know there is more to posting than that, but it's strange to see in groups that are known for their excessive over-praising, and overtly positive atmospheres (which, to be fair, I actually love the "nothing but hype and good vibes" culture/rules there) that I get almost no interactions. I stopped posting in them all together because of this. Again, it just makes me so sad because I make a point every day or every other day to go through and either like or heart react to hype everyone up, and I just... get the inkling that I am being openly shunned. No one likes the cold shoulder or being treated like they were made a clown, but it especially stings when it comes from a group (or groups) that are designed for sharing and support.

And that's just the thing, isn't it? I always make it a point to go and  heart react on everyone's posts, in all of the recitals make it a point to sit through everyone performances and send them encouraging texts. I stream everyone's music, share everyone's art. It literally costs zero dollars to do it. It doesn't take away from me to lift other people up. I just wish other people felt that way.

I'd like for a moment to touch back on my Jessica Rabbit piece, where I talk about what it's like existing in a public space in my body: either open distain, or excessive, unwanted attention. I can't win for losing. Again, I do not hate other women, other women hate me. It's not a quiet hate, either. Sometimes even wordless hate speaks volumes. My little body has dared to take up space in public, and I find myself at the receiving end of ire for conversations that should be happening between you and your significant other.

I have made this observation before, but I think that it's worth repeating that I found that those who are NLOGs tend to be especially cruel to people, particularly other women/ girls, who are actually different. It's as if someone's existence of differentness inherently threatens their weird "different" cosplay. It feels like it's also worth noting that in addition to all remaining friends with each other, every single one of them went on to have totally "normie" lives. After ALL THAT NLOG, "I'm SO different, I am SO SPECIAL" nonsense, they went on to be relatively unremarkable.  Although one also has to wonder about their "friendships," given how nasty they were to me, and others who threatened their weirdo cosplay, how rich or meaningful their friendships are ---considering how treacherous, deceitful, and  competitive they were with me. Or, you know, if those are as fake as their cosplay was.

I will say that as far as friendships go, for as bad of luck as I have had, I have also been blessed with some of the richest and most wonderful friendships. Every single one of my long-lasting friendships were all with other women/ girls, who were NOT NLOGs. They are not, were not, and were never NLOGs. They skipped those dreadful phases entirely. And all of our lives and friendships are vastly richer experiences for it. 

Miss me with your insecurities and secret competitions, I don't have the energy to hate you. I am just trying to mitigate the horrors of existence, I did not sign up for your baggage on this journey, lmao.

Side bar, to close us out: And, you know, during 2020 when we all thought the world was going to end, I got a lot of very strange DMs from guys who had been cruel to me my entire childhood, apologizing for how they had behaved,...but also telling me they had had crushes on me. Which like, I laughed at, and thanked them for their time. Also, like, parents of the world, please don't allow your kids, regardless of gender, to do this. Please. I beg of you, put an end to this ish.