Highwater at Catfish Bend

If you were to ask me what my heart craved or the weather I enjoyed the most, it's embodied by this photo. (It had also been almost 100* the day before, so the fairly dramatic temperature dip was very welcomed.) It's been back to what they refer to as "June Gloom," but there's nothing gloomy about it to me.  I love the fog. The only thing I am sad about is that June marks when the days start getting shorter again and it is bad for my brain. It never used to be bad for my brain, but now it's AWFUL. I am working on new original music. I can't stop working on it because I need the money! :D I also don't want to lose that part of myself or that skillset. It's just so sad that everything I release gets ripped off, and it makes releasing anything miserable, but I am trying to do my best to ignore it. Especially since the song I am wrapping up soon is a summer JAM. The pollen has been OFF THE CHARTS lately, and I was suffering from dry mouth so bad all w

When I was a little kid, I did not like 1967's  The Jungle Book . I had always felt guilty about not liking the movie, as I knew it was Walt's last film. We had the original 1991 VHS release, because I specifically remember it being the year that my sister was born. I did not like the movie. It was gloomy. I didn't like the Xerox animation style. I didn't like beginning with the wolves voting to get rid of Mowgli. I didn't like the monkeys kidnapping Mowgli.  I absolutely did not like the 5 seconds where you think Baloo is dead. I also detested the Kipling books. The Jungle Book was not a movie that I watched regularly, even though we obviously had it and it was available.  At the time where I would have seen it for the first time, one of the things I didn't like about it, that was unaware of then, but can intellectualize now, is Mowgli being abandoned and being in danger throughout so much of the film. In many ways, for as fun as the film is, it's also very

 Today is the 2022 Summer Solstice, the longest day of the year. It is also the first day of summer and sunset tonight will be at 8:35, meaning that it won't even get proper-dark until almost 10. I had  never experienced seasonal depression until 2020.  Last year, I really took time out to appreciate the light and made it a point to sit outside in June to absorb the Summer, a season I had never appreciated before. Of course, today is hotter than shit and I was not prepared for 95* weather. Tomorrow it's supposed to go down a little, about 20*. The longest day of the year is hotter than Hell (because of course it is). Today I will make it a point to be outside this evening. To enjoy the sun. 

For many, many years, I have wanted to go to Efteling . I have dreamed of going to Efteling. I have hemmed and hawed and dreamy-sighed over every gorgeous POV ride video. This attraction in particular: After many years and  much difficulty, I finally got my passport in October 2019. Of course, the entire world shut down 3 months later, but I digress. I know a lot of people just loooooove The Netherlands and think of it as this uwu wonderland, but for many reasons , it's one of those places I have never quite felt safe traveling to. Blackface is part of their Christmas , FFS.  You can tell it whatever you want. You can call it "overly sensitive" "American" sensibilities (I mean, I prefer to call it "being a decent human being," but whatever! ). On Saturday evening, YouTube was playing on my TV and one of the auto-play videos came up with a vlogger documenting their time at Efetling. It was just going to be background noise. "Noise" is a great

I just saw something on Twitter than we only have about 36 months left until complete and total ecological devastation. I don't know how true that is (never underestimate the ability for the earth to heal itself and the knowledge of Indigenous people), but I am trying to distract myself with making lists. I like making lists. They make me feel infinitely more stable and there is something quite satisfying about making lists and crossing stuff off! So, here are all of the things I want or am going to do over the course of the summer: Spend time at the beach which is right down the street from my house! Yes, I live down the street from the beach, and I never go. I know, I know, this is literally terrible and I am an asshole. But for the last couple of years, we weren't supposed to BE on the beaches because of Covid, and then when we were, they were completely taken over by people who were both tourists AND not wearing masks. My goal is to go to the beach at least once a week. G

Summer is here. Actually, summer doesn't *officially start until next Tuesday. Then the days will start getting shorter again. For the last couple of years, primarily because of Covid, I have come to appreciate the longer days more and more. The first time in my life I had ever experienced Seasonal Depression was in 2020. Going outside and getting out of my house and away from my phone gives me tremendous anxiety. Which is a shame because I live in such a beautiful face, I wish that I weren't so debilitated and could enjoy it more. Friday and Saturday were disgustingly hot (and humid to boot), but Saturday evening and Sunday cooled down to the "normal" summer weather around these parts. The other side of the valley from us is so lush and green because that's where the fog settles in. The way that the fog envelopes the entire valley is really something spectacular. Otherworldly. Trying to take more photos with the main/ back-facing camera so that I can at so

I grew up dreaming of Disneyland. Disneyland was the one remotely normal thing about my childhood. I've expressed this before and in the coming months, I know that I will express it again . There some article circulating shaming Disney Adults again for some wedding or whatnot, which I don't quite understand why people would be upset because they didn't pay for it, and I think weddings are stupid anyway. Then this article came to my attention, echoing many, many of the points that I had said over the last few weeks: Disney and the Disney parks gave poor, non-yt children (especially those from fractured backgrounds) some semblance of normalcy. It's not simply a matter of "not growing up," or "refusing to grow up," Disney epitomized the American dream that had been promised to us. It represented, as the author so eloquently says, "boundless optimism." It represents safety, stability--that no matter what bad things happened in our lives, ther

  OBVIOUSLY an actual photo of the events Before  writing and posting this, I did make it a point to Google the stature of limitations on trespassing, which, is three years in the state of California and only two years just about everywhere else. I have kept the actual details and names to myself to protect the very guilty, even if it's very much past the three year limit. Also, content warning for fishing and dead animals. If that isn't your thing, then this isn't the entry for you. The actual year was 2014. I had been "laid off"/ fired from a really terrible and horrible job where I had been responsible for a calendar literally managing this guy's affairs (no joke). It was no loss, honestly. I found myself temping mostly and  tried to enjoy my underemployment as much as possible. My grandmother had passed away the year before and I had given me vintage bamboo fishing poles, one of the few things that had been designated to me specifically as a non-beneficiar

  I spent the last 16 years working on this. Actually, that's not true, I started  even before that. When I was in grade school, I knew I wanted this as my Masters' thesis. I spent the entirety of my college career developing this. I had my entire thesis written by the time I finished my Bachelor's degree. Unfortunately, I was unable to pursue it for personal and financial reasons. Then 2020 happened. My friends who are teachers reached out to me for help on this topic because they knew I was the go-to person. I developed an educational packet to be used by them and others in a way to teach this respectfully, responsibly, and compassionately. It was very important for me to do this The Right Way, instead of the monetized clickbait disingenuous way we so often see. A conversation about Black and Native people is grossly disproportionately monopolized by non-Black and non-Native voices. While these conversations are difficult and needed, we are not having them in the way they

Today is the second day of PTSD Awareness Month, and while I am pretty hesitant to share this with the internet I think it needs to be said. Please note that this entry will be speaking on child abuse, domestic violence, sexual violence, medical effects thereof, and on going symptoms. These are your trigger warnings and this is your last chance to exit. If any of these things are upsetting, please note that this is not the entry for you. I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 6 years old. It has since been refined to C-PTSD. I have a few other things wrong with me, too, such as auditory-processing issues, obsessive-compulsive tendencies (which may or may not be hereditary). They thought for a period of time that I might be an Autistic, but since there is neuro-divergence without autism and so many symptoms of PTSD/C-PTSD have overlap with autism, they have decided that's 'probably' not it. I also have a history of disordered eating related to my sexual abuse. There was some t