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Showing posts from May, 2022

Give me struggle, keep me warm. Be the silence, and the storm.

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I have been told my entire life to "trust God's timing." Okay, fine. I trust it. That still doesn't mean I have to LIKE it, you know?! I trust God's timing. I trust God's decision-making. I am glad that I didn't have to go through Zoom divorce court over Brer Rabbit, okay? I trust God, I just would like to not feel as hopeless as I do right now. I had recently been poking around on Etsy and  looking for more things that I absolutely do not need (but that's never stopped me before!) and I started to look at some wallpaper. Okay, I was actually looking for Haunted Mansion wallpaper specifically (spoiler: which I found ), but then, of course, I took a dive into all sorts of other wall papers and proceeded to want every single one . Of course, I cannot pick just one, but that's why you have more than one room in a house and more than one wall! 😂😜 As I have said many a time before, I don't accede to a single aesthetic, and generally I find tha

Gee, golly, gosh, gloriosky

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 Someone in my sphere contracted Covid. To put it succinctly, I am not thrilled. I have spent the last few days in isolation, and have taken repeated measures to protect myself. This might actually be my breaking point, having to live with someone who isn't taking things as seriously or as many precautions as they should and me having to pick up the slack for everything. Although to say that I am pissed off is the understatement of the year. I am so sick of constantly being shamed for my anger when I have every right to be angry. I live in Hell. I am constantly forced to bear everyone else's burdens whilst having to endure their disrespect and abuse. I was able to get a few things done whilst isolating, including listing a bunch of clothes on Poshmark . So many of these items were things that I had really wanted , and had sought out specifically, but then never wore them, or was incredibly underwhelmed by them when I did get them. I have now had them for years and I have never

I know what it means to be lonely. Is there something you want to tell me?

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I thought about how I choose my entry titles yesterday, how it harkens back to the halcyon days of yore of songfics . I hadn't  even thought of songfics in literally eons. Just me have it, okay?! Just lemme have this thing that amuses me. (Also amusing that the title is taken from Stars lyrics, because generally I think they're trash, but I digress.) The above photo is from Gilroy Gardens. It makes me nostalgic, even though I was just there. Time is so weird. It can at once feel like things just happened, and that they also feel far away, or even never happened. It's kind of remarkable that your brain (or maybe this is just my brain) does this.  It was absolutely incredible how much nostalgia I had experienced at Gilroy Gardens, when  I never previously been. I know there is a word for everything, and it turns out that there is a word for this sensation!: Fernweh . Apparently, this phenomenon is more prevalent in green spaces, which would make sense from  perhaps an evoluti

It was one for you...it was three for me It was very nice...it was everything So here it is...in little pieces...

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  Hey, LOOK, I cracked the code! Literally! I figured out how to do embeds on Blogger! I feel like a GOD (lol). All kidding aside, I really do feel accomplished (and maybe more than I should hahaha). There's just been something I have been thinking about a lot recently. Like I stated in my trip report for my last Disneyland trip, I spent my entire childhood dreaming about Disneyland. Again, I would just wish to reiterate that my childhood and trips to Disneyland once a year being congruent in the same Universe, is honestly pretty remarkable. I know there was a lot of help and sacrifice and elbow grease to make these things happen. As imperfect as things were, and still are, people in my life prioritized family trips like this and making sure there was some semblance of normalcy. I know everyone's circumstances are different, but I think that there is something to be said for prioritizing certain things over others. It's why I don't believe people who make excuses ab

Connect me Over to the other side Your strange music Like lucid dreams

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I've been wearing these child-size Mickey Mouse Crocs since last week because I hurt my back and can't reach down to fasten my clogs :( It's the little things to keep my afloat right now In the US, we have a three day weekend coming up. I made a few reservations for the Walt Disney Family Museum and the SF Zoo for Sunday. I will also be dropping off my renewal for my membership whilst I am there. But, if I can be perfectly honest, I am almost too scared to do anything .  I am too scared to go anywhere. I know that we "can't live in fear," but the news and the world say other things. These people also don't spend hours at a time alone and vulnerable on public transit. I've also spent the vast majority of my life living in fear. Trigger and content warnings in place before proceeding.  I don't understand why so many people in my life are so shitty about this. I can't believe so many people in my life continue to mock my very clear and obvious tr

I'm on my way on the road to somewhere Little clouds like wounds that blow away Listening to the radio like a friend that guides me Playing out every song we used to know

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 I posted a lot of this in this thread on Twitter, but here are these same thoughts reorganized in a much better way. Hi, this is me. Unfortunately, a washed out version of me, because that's how cell phone cameras opera, but this is me. I don't use filters or air brush any of my photos because I have facial and body dysmorphia. As in, actually diagnosed, not just learned about it on Tumblr and decided to adopt it as a personality quirk. Here are too more photos of me, unfiltered, and not necessarily the most flattering. No wrinkles or grey hair (knocks on  wood), and not that that really matters. I am turning 35 this year, and this is the first birthday I've really been Not Okay with hitting. There are many reasons for this. My birthday is actually one of my trauma anniversaries and a reminder that my abuser gets to keep living their life like nothing happened and keeps being rewarded for it. I don't even get to have my own god damn birthday. I think a lot of my frie

Who Told Rescue Rangers it was Roger Rabbit?!

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Last year, I started a series on Who Framed Roger Rabbit? You can read the two pieces I was able to complete here   and here  as pdfs. (Also, quick side note, apologies for some of the cut off suggested popular entries/ titles at the bottom of the docs). I originally started this series on LiveJournal, and, because of the events happening with Russia, I am unable to finish them. I started writing it in November of last year, but several things happened between the course of then and now, not just the Ukraine conflict, including multiple deaths in the family. In March, I had intended to work on a piece about Jessica Rabbit now that my life was slowly started to get its way back together, and then the Ukraine conflict happened. There are more pressing things in the world that writing about Jessica Rabbit. To summarize the two articles above: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? is a surprisingly sophisticated examination of PTSD, discrimination, trauma, and trauma-induced substance abuse issues. It

"Like a river been robbed of it's bend A braid you just don't want end": Gilroy Gardens Trip Review! 🧄🎠✨🎢🌳🌲🎡

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  Again, because Blogger does NOT SUPPORT EMBEDS, you can always look at more photos on my Flickr ! I also made a goofy-ass TikTok video (WHICH, AGAIN, BLOGGER DOES NOT SUPPORT THE EMBEDS FOR). On Saturday, a few friends and I went to Gilroy Gardens for the first time! Verdict=it was super fun! We are definitely going to go again! :) I had sprained my back on Tuesday, but I was still determined to go. 1. because there were no refunds or exchanges, and 2. because the person whose credit card it was had to be the person to present the tickets (or something to that effect). I didn't over-exert myself, and there was plenty to do that was relaxing and gentle. It was nice to see my friends and also to meet my friend's girl friend, who is absolutely lovely! We are planning more day-ventures in the future. Here are some photos: This was one of the rides I wanted to go on so badly. We lied to some kids  and said that this was Splash Mountain (and that the reason why the boats kept com

When I always knew what was right for me I'm a ghost of myself like everyone else

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Practice makes improvement! I am not perfect at anything by any means, but I always try really hard. Even if I am not really very good at anything, at the very least, I have that going for me. I try very, very hard. My post vacation depression was delayed this time, but it's still creeping up on me, so I am doing my best to mitigate it. I have decided that I just want to be a Disneyland cat! This last weekend I went to the zoo with my friends. This up-coming weekend, I am going to Gilroy Gardens ! I have never been! None of my friends had ever been, either, except for one who said it was "lame," but WHATEVER. We all have different tastes! I am the most excited about all of these water activities , I am a SUCKER for a fake waterfall. I am also pumped about the monarch dome . It will be nice to do things with old friends, and I am trying to be better about going out and doing things lately. I am trying. I am not good at it, but I am trying. Doing things for me is hard, espe

Take a deep breath and let go You're too hard on yourself to grow

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   As promised, I wanted to give this dress its own entry! I had dreamed of this dress for a long time, and it's weird that it's finally here. I have been very inspired by the way Ashtomaton makes her own clothes all of the time. We have very similar tastes. I also really, really have LOVED all of the outfits she's worn to Disneyland , Disneyland Paris , Tokyo Disneyland and Disney Sea , The Enchanted Forest , Efteling --etc., etc.! Almost all of these are completely made by her! The dress started out as a little sketch *see above. I bought this cute little pattern off of Etsy, thinking of I could just follow the instructions, it couldn't be that hard! Well, one look at the back and you can see that there was a problem. After pulling the pattern pieces from the envelope, I knew I had to call in for back up!  In the meantime, I purchased this beautiful retired bed runner from the Port Orleans Resort at Disney World. It has Tiana and Naveen as frogs (with that ugly and