Give me struggle, keep me warm. Be the silence, and the storm.

I have been told my entire life to "trust God's timing." Okay, fine. I trust it. That still doesn't mean I have to LIKE it, you know?! I trust God's timing. I trust God's decision-making. I am glad that I didn't have to go through Zoom divorce court over Brer Rabbit, okay? I trust God, I just would like to not feel as hopeless as I do right now.

I had recently been poking around on Etsy and  looking for more things that I absolutely do not need (but that's never stopped me before!) and I started to look at some wallpaper. Okay, I was actually looking for Haunted Mansion wallpaper specifically (spoiler: which I found), but then, of course, I took a dive into all sorts of other wall papers and proceeded to want every single one. Of course, I cannot pick just one, but that's why you have more than one room in a house and more than one wall! 😂😜

As I have said many a time before, I don't accede to a single aesthetic, and generally I find that people who do are tremendously boring. Now I DID NOT SAY everyone, I said generally. When the way one dresses in one specific subculture becomes one's entire personality, that is what I am referring to. I understand for some people, it's about the commitment to that lifestyle and aesthetic. And, yes, I do understand that subcultures give us a sense of community and belonging, but that's not what I am talking about--I am specifically referring to those people who have no personality, sense of self, or interests outside of the narrow prism of how they dress. Does that make sense? I hope it does.

But now back to wallpaper.

I have been thinking back on all of the fond memories I had about the Terra Nova Boulevard townhomes and the townhomes near my grandparents' old home, but I have been looking at a townhome or two near where my grandparents' house used to be. I don't know why this would be nostalgic for me, because my first boyfriend who cheated on me lived in one of these, but for whatever reason, it is. Listen, my brain is  mysterious place even to me, and I don't even begin to understand how it works. Also, for whatever reason, the townhomes that are located near where my grandparents used to live also have a pool and that in my brain is a selling point, even though I don't swim.

Look, I told you that I don't understand how my brain works, either, okay!

But just look at these spacious townhomes, just beggin' for some wallpaper.

Just think, this absolute dumb ass could do some real decoratin' damage here!

They all come with a garage and a washer and dryer unit, etc. 

Just think, if I owned my own little townhome, and I put wallpaper of my choosing on every wall. Which, by the way, the experts say you CAN hang art on!

I am  scared of change, and this is all just pie-in-the-sky (especially since there are no buses back this way anymore), but I can dream. I can LOOK at these listings. I can imagine all of my stupid shit on these walls.

I trust God's timing. I just don't know if I can trust mine.