She was the heart in your heartbreak She was the miss in your mistake And no matter what you take You're never gonna forget She was the tear in a rainstorm

Today is the Pink Full Moon in Libra, and I must regretfully inform you that I am feeling EVERY bit of that full moon.

Blouse, skirt, safety shorts: Amazon

Wolfman cardigan: Miss Ladybug California

Outer cardigan: thrifted

Shoes: Hot Chocolate

Tights: Target

Undies: PourMoi

This skirt made me feel incredibly self-conscious. 

I had one of these for serotonin.

It didn't have as much mileage as I would have liked.

Some stupid event downtown again.

Angel numbers again, with no answers. 💔

The rain was a bit of a surprise today; I was not expecting more than a little shower, a light sprinkle, if you will. I was certainly NOT anticipating a significant downpour. I do think it greatly suits my current mood and frame of mind, though. Ambiance to the inner chaos.

I wrote and re-wrote and deleted and re-wrote yet again  something I had to once again delete. I wish that I could be less vague. I wish I could talk about it out loud and articulate it perfectly. I wish I didn't have to be vague. I wish I could just use names and real life places and timelines and scenarios.

Something that you have to know about me is that I absolutely believe in ( sadly, the pop culture take on) the Butterfly Effect--that small and seemingly insignificant  changes can alter the course of one's entire life forever.

I will try to articulate this as best that I can. I believe that I should be able to talk about this. But I will also be undertaking the absolutely impossible, which is to talk about something... without actually talking about something.

No, that doesn't make sense, but hopefully to come extent it will.

Three years ago, after three years of not taking the train in the evenings, I returned to taking the train again at night.

For three years prior to that, because of the significantly reduced schedules of both the trains and the buses, it was quite dangerous to try to get home on the trains and buses at night; there was simply no one else out there, other than a small handful of essential workers, and people who were largely up to no good. This would mean someone like me who is both female and barely clocking in at  5ft tall would be alone, in the dark, for not an insignificant amount of time. I would pay a now former friend (yes, the same friend who would go on to ruin last year's birthday! 😀) to drive me home at night for three years.

In early Spring of 2023 (I think it was actually late Winter as it was still January, and not quite 'Spring' yet, but for the purposes of this narrative, we will just say Spring for now), I stopped using this person's assistance and went back to taking the train at night. Let's just say when I ended the friendship last year, it  was a long time coming, and there were many reasons--not least of which was the last couple of times they drove me home, they were compromised. 

In having to take the train in the evening again, I had to change my schedule by half an hour. Little did I realize that one person's irresponsibility and a 30 minute time shift would alter my life for the next 3 years.

I don't remember the first time I noticed. I just know that one day I did.  Once I did, I couldn't "un-notice."

There were a lot of things that happened in 2023--a friend died unexpectedly, my cat had to have an incredibly expensive thyroid procedure, my niece Kellar was born, it was the last time I went on an actual vacation. 2023 just took the life right out of me.

In fact, these last three years have just taken the life right out of me. In a weird, weird way, 2020-2022 were three years that were, truthfully, wholly easier and less awful.

But back to noticing things in 2023.

There was something familiar about it. It has a feeling that has never gone away, no matter how I had tried to suppress it.

But it's 2026 now, and I don't know what I can do with this feeling.

And I really wish I could talk about this out loud.