birthday weekend recap (part 1)

 She's 38! ✨🎈🎊🎠

I had an (unheard for me) 4 days off. I never take time off, and taking time off makes me feel a little uneasy/ anxious. I tried to make the best of it. It's hard because I just feel invisible in my own life, and this was acutely felt on my birthday.

The morning of my birthday, I woke up at my usual time, and took a selfies to commemorate the day.

My whole day was planned out for me (by someone who wanted to use my birthday as an excuse to vlog). I didn't want to do anything for my birthday, because this year had been so depressing and sad.

The day started off with me being yelled at for not having a good enough of an attitude or whatever. We went to see The Bad Guys 2, which I really enjoyed! I love the first one, and just watched it the night before as a refresher. They are two of the most unironically fun heist movies I have ever seen (I LOVE heist flicks, lol.) The animation for both films is unspeakably attractive, and the sequel had some of the coolest effects I've ever seen.

I had just been talking about how this entire film lives in my head rent-free.

Lunch was Heidi's Pies. I could barely eat anything because I was stressed and did not feel good at all whatsoever. I was worried about getting yelled at again.

The last leg of the day's adventure was going to see the Trolls at Filoli, which is something I had really wanted to do. I love the Troll folklore, and I love Filoli. I wish I had been able to enjoy this more. I didn't want my picture take because I felt yucky, and then felt bad about my body, and I was overall uncomfortable and miserable, and couldn't express my discomfort for fear of being screamed at for being ungrateful.

This is the view from the parking lot.

The Trolls are located in a part of Filoli I've always wanted to see, but have never been able to, because we always run out of time! If it's not running out of time, it's because we've done the evening/nighttime events, and the trail is closed. There is so much of Filoli to explore that I've never seen, and it was really neat that the trolls were in the woods like this.

I was so fucking over my sister's vlogging at this point.

The one photo of me that proves I was there.

This was my favourite troll. 

This was my second fave.

Some views from the gardens:

My mom being cute.

Some photos from inside the house:

I love this room. I Love Lucy is usually on tv. I also think this room is super haunted.

I didn't feel well, so I didn't eat dinner that night. After going home, I basically did chores as if it were any other day. It was like the pageant of pretending to care that it was my birthday was now over, and it was business as usual. It then de-volved into basically being about planning my step-dad's birthday. 

I went to check my phone to respond to birthday messages, and then got a very shitty one from someone I am now no longer friends with. I knew even before I opened the messages that they were going to be shitty. This person has a long history of negging me,  and I chose to quietly limit my interactions with this person over the last 2 years. This person always had really shitty comments about my age, the house I lived in, my body, my face, my interests--you name it.  I knew that the message was going to be shitty. I opened the message, wishing me a happy birthday, but then making a backhanded and disparaging comment about my age. I blocked them immediately after. I did not even give them the satisfaction of saying goodbye to them or responding to their stupid message. I blocked them on all platforms.  And, look, I can take a joke. I quite regularly roast myself. But I absolutely cannot take cruelty thinly veiled as a joke. I cannot take a cruel joke, which is basically abuse at this point, at my expense.  I am always characterized as being "overly sensitive" by people who are just cruel and want to get away with it.

So that was my birthday. It was low-key, which is what I prefer anyway. I've spent the last few birthdays feeling alone and isolated. I wish I had been able to enjoy last week more, but I did not feel well AT ALL. I am hoping to go back to Filoli soon (now that my mom has a membership! 😼) and see the Trolls several more times. And hopefully get to have my pictures taken to remind myself that I exist, too (lol).