my favourite things I have worn lately (and why it very much matters)(to me, at least)

 I am of the mind that fashion is more than just clothing, it is literally who I am.

I am not one of those people who believe, "if you look happy in the photo, it's a good photo of you," or whatever the expression is. If I do not look good in the photo, because of my body dysmorphia, I am not having a good time! It's as simple as that! 

Even if I do not get my photo taken or document an outfit, I still want to look my best. For me fashion is more than  just looking cute and wearing clothes; it's literally an extension of my personality. If I do not look good, I will not have a good time. If my outfit doesn't make me happy, I will be miserable the entire time. 

I have a very disconnected relationship with my body, face, and even my name. They all feel foreign to me; intellectually, I know that they are mine, but often I have a hard time recognizing myself in the mirror or in photos or understanding how other people see me. In fact, the mere idea of being perceived is legitimately horrifying to me. 

My journey into my style was a hard-earned one through  much trial and error. I think the style that I have now is the most authentically "me" I've ever been.

For years, I had multiple factors stacked against me: income, height, clothing (and body) trends, wanting to fit in with my friends. When I was coming of age in the early-2000's, body diversity did not exist. It wasn't until Gap started making pants that were a curve fit (meaning it recognized that hips exist) did I find any luck. 

Of course I took part in trends during college; those were the clothes that were available. Fast fashion was all that I could afford, and I often wore clothing that did not fit me. I struggled deeply with pants especially. Often I would have pant sizes that were 3-4 times bigger what my waist was in order to accommodate my hips, or even wear men's pants. (Even now, my waist is a 6-8 dress, 8-10 pants, but my hips are a 12-14 pants.)

Around 2018, I took inspiration from several accounts on Instagram of people who just... dressed vintage and were unapologetically themselves. I decided for maybe the first time ever, that I was going to dress wholly and completely for me. I had always had a sense of style, I always took a lot of pride in how I presented myself, but now I was going to be "me" for the first time. I had spent about 2014-2017 having completely lost myself, and I was looking for ways to find it again.

I had spent the last several years trying to be semi-on-trend, and would dress in certain ways to try to get a certain person's attention. Now I didn't care. 

Of course I did not have the same endless income levels of the people whom I admired on Instagram (they all  were very rich influencers), but I took notes. I didn't want the exact same things they had, either. I didn't just want to copy someone else.  I made sure to invest in quality pieces from more boutique vendors online (some of the more affordable ones that they also shopped at). I invested in good shoes that greatly helped my feet. I had inspiration not just from these accounts, but from historical photos. 

Bucking trends entirely was one of the best things I have ever done for myself. I don't feel any pressure to pay attention or keep up with trends. I don't feel any pressure to fit in. I don't feel any pressure to make my body fit into clothes that are diametrically opposed to my bone structure. 

Around 2020, I stopped wearing pants almost entirely. I couldn't believe how much of a game changer freeing myself from the tyranny of pants was. The pants that I used to purchase over and over again at Old Navy has changed. The exact same pair of pants that I always purchased now no longer fit me; they changed the material the pants were made out of, and the physical pant size was smaller (I had the ones I had purchased from the last time and held them up against each other--no, I wasn't imagining things---but, apparently, Old Navy is famous for this issue.)

I only recently started wearing pants again (and of course, they're jeggings and workout pants and not real pants).

I now have two sets of camps that I dress in: the vintage inspired cutesy look, and the "workout pants and a shirt look." I am not one of those people who dresses all vintage all the time. I mix decades. I have and wear t-shirts and other "normal" clothes. I feel as though both of them are equally me. Like me with just... different Eevee evolution stones or something.

Even though I very rarely dress "Goth" these days, I still consider myself a Goth at heart because I very much love the music and align with the ethics of the subculture. I just don't like the unwanted attention, and I feel as though the clothing just... well, it just doesn't fully suit me. I think wearing the horror movie t-shirts with black jeggings or workout pants is perfect. It leans into the aesthetic, but it doesn't fully pin me down to one single aesthetic. I was never going to let one single way of dressing define me. I never wanted to have just one style. It's the same way I can't just listen to one genre of music; you lose so much by limiting yourself with labels and trying to fit into these narrow definitions. 

I have started to try to rotate more t-shirts into my non-Friday outfits just so I can feel a little be more "me" on days that I need to. The music I listen to is as important to me as the clothes that I wear. I feel as though they are both extensions of me.

My favourite things I have worn lately have been cute, comfortable, have suited my body well, and have made me feel good about myself. Every single day I made it a point to wear something second-hand.  Even on days where I failed in the sustainability department, there is always at least one clothing item to offset it. They have been the most "me" I have ever felt. My journey of getting to know myself through clothing has been such an honour to be on. It can't fix everything, but it's a small stepping stone towards it.