Heaven's Gonna Happen Now

 My tummy hurts. :(

It might be something not even Brer Rabbit or Emotional Support Glen Campbell can fix...

But at least my skin looks nice?

For as much as things are not going the way that they should be, there are somethings that are going... fine, actually.

Almost two months ago now, I quietly made the decision to greatly reduce my interactions with certain people. Not everyone who smiles at you is your friend, and a friend to all is a friend to none. For as awful as everything is right now, I cannot stress enough how greatly calmed my nervous system is not having to deal with certain people on top of that. I don't even miss them. Not having to constantly deal with them has been greatly freeing. There is a lightness to my life now, not wincing every time I took at my phone notifications. I haven't contacted them--but, to be fair, they have not contacted me, either. I know for one of the connections in particular, they are constantly looking at and comparing what other people have; they are not happy for other people, and someone having something they don't is cause for whining and envy--something that they have expressed out loud. (I am talking about phrases uttered such as, "why I can't I have [this]! why does she get [that]!" I wish that I were joking.)

I learned this term that was new-to-me from TikTok (lmao, I know, I know) called "monitoring spirits," in which people aren't actually interested in being your friend, but are very interested in keeping tabs on you. I realized that some of the connections that I have are very much like this. I am still connected to them on social media, but I put them, to use a TV industry term "on ice." Meaning, they can still see what I am doing, but only what I am sharing. I am not reaching out to them, looking at their stuff, or going out of my way for them. They get to be like every random connection I have. No personal life updates, no news, nothing. Especially since I very much believe that some people I am connected to are monitoring me, I have to have protection. 🧿

It had gotten to a point so bad where I didn't even want good things to happen to me in life, knowing that I had people very close to me who couldn't be happy for me, people who would not so secretly resent it, people who would be envious and  I am sure wish harm onto it. I guess because I am not wired like this, I can't understand it, and especially since these people are in no way grateful for what they DO HAVE, I just can't understand it. I should not have to hide my joy because other people are both greedy and committed to being miserable.

I have always wanted a best girl friend. I am a girl's girl to my core, and I have always wanted a bestie. Unfortunately, I have always dealt with the secret resentment and envy, and others  being male-centered (when I am not), and always being the stand-in until a  better social option comes along. I always want to jump into new friendships with all 4 feet because I am just hoping that it will be THE friendship. But I also know that friendships take years and must be built over time. I also know that I will, unfortunately at this age (ugh, that's a punch in the gut to even write) will never have that 'childhood bestie.' There is a huge pocket of grief in me about this, actually. I think we don't talk about the grief of loneliness enough.

One of the reasons why I am okay with my up-coming May being as busy as it is is because I want to make new connections. I want to make new friends. It's not that I am "bored" or "discarding" people; I still very much want to see my friends and wish I had more time for them. But I also want new connections that are free from the burden of having knowing me my entire life. I want to meet people who don't know my entire life story. I want to be friends with people who don't know about my CSA or all the bad things that happened to me. I want an unburdened friendship that's just built on freshness and joy. I will view being so busy through the prism of being so lucky to be this busy! I am seeing my friend in concert, going to museums, seeing my friends on Broadway tours. These will give me plenty of moments for human connections. 

I have been looking at all the posts on TikTok of the vintage photo booths all over the Bay Area (I've made note of them!), and thinking how sweet it would be to have a friend I could take photos in the photo booth with. 

I am really looking forward to potentially making at least one friend at the vintage market on Saturday. I figure if there were a place for me to make new friends, that would be the place! I've always wanted vintage-community friends (the good ones, I mean--the vintage community is hit or miss! 👀)

I'll let you know! :D