Bouncing off of clouds we were Is there a love lost and found?

 I have to make a decision in the near-future and I am not having a great time of it.

I took this photo last Wednesday on my way to the bus stop. I will never not be grateful for beautiful dawns like this. It's just so emotional to look it (it was even more breathtaking in person), and I thought it just.... suited today's post.

I know that this is not one of the top ten most popular blogs on the internet, a Substack legend raking in millions of views a day and millions more in ad revenue. I don't actually know who is in this space (I know that I do have a couple of friends who sub here--hi, btw, lol). But there are a lot of hits from  strange places and people I don't know. Especially since this blog is delisted from Google searches, I don't know how anyone would have found it. And since Blogger does not offer varied levels of security postings, I don't necessarily want to air everything out in detail. So talking about this today will be.. clumsy and come with a lot of vague gesturing, but if I don't talk about this in some capacity, I most certainly explode.

Even though this blog is very public (sort of) and I am very candid in this space, there is still part of me that wants to guard my heart. I have some emotional regulation issues from being BPD/autistic/having PTSD, but I do not wear my heart on my sleeve. Most of the people around me do not know that I am so often hurting.  I tend to be openly warm and welcoming, polite, and engaging. Those are not fake gestures. I do feel that way when I am talking or saying hello to people. But immediately after, I go back to feeling empty and sad and depleted. If you didn't really know me, you would never know this. You would never know that inside I am  agonizing this way.

So, what I am trying to say is that I want to share this, I want to talk about it, and that talking about it makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. And to add to the fact that I don't want to give too many identifying details of the people involved.

I am in the very near future, going to have to make a choice that will ultimately shape my future. No pressure, totally casual, right? Right. I know this sounds incredibly dramatic,  especially since I can't exactly say what I am going to be choosing between.

The one thing you have to know, is that this is not an easy choice, and people's feelings will get hurt. I can already feel my own feelings getting hurt. 

I am often conflicted about things, but ultimately find myself sure. I think about my decisions for a very long time, carefully weighing everything out before standing firm in what I have chosen. In this particular case, I was so sure of what I wanted. Now I don't know what to think.

My heart is so heavy. 

I know there are a million other things to concern ourselves with right now, but this is is just agonizing. :(