Don't bother, angel I know exactly what goes on When everything you'll get is Everything that you've wanted, princess

 

Yes, yet another appearance of Aesthetics Explained on this blog!

I have been thinking about this video a lot lately. Not just because I have it droning on in the background regularly whilst doing other things around the house, and thus puts it at the forefront of my brain more often that it probably should. This video, as does all her videos, anthropologically deconstructs whatever fashion and subsequent social movement-- in this case the 3rd wave emo aesthetic of the 2000's. 

Towards the end of the video, it talks about this article by professor of musicology Sam De Boise, as well as this article by gender studies professor Emily Ryalls that address "beta male misogyny"--and how nerds/ soft boys/emos are often even MORE misogynistic than their more overtly chauvinistic counterparts.

Uh oh.

There is a lot to be said about "Adorkable Misogyny," and the sinister,  glibly veiled "niceties" of "The Nice Guy." There is a lot to be said about the dangers present in the entitlement, the resentment, the objectification--all wrapped up in a softer, gentler, dorkier, more sensitive package.

However, I feel like I should back up the bus on this a little bit. In order to fully understand why I am talking about this now, I feel like I need to provide more context.

Circa 2005-2006, I briefly dabbled in what is now, I supposed, considered "emo." To me it was more about dressing Goth-adjacent, as that was an actual community and social movement I was interested in. It was (and more certainly always will be) a social movement, and a culture I have always aligned with. I wore almost all black and horror movie t-shirts (this is actually still me now on the weekends).  I enjoyed the more casual, informal look rather than the full pageantry associated with "Goth." The only "emo" band I ever took part in listening to was My Chemical Romance,  because they were the most Goth-adjacent, and made great music that was easy to lengthen to other Punk/Post-Punk/ Goth Greats™ like Siouxsie & the Banshees, The Sister of Mercy, and The Cramps. I found the other emo bands in the (3rd wave) genre to be whiny and annoying, too 2000's pop* oriented for my tastes, and the lyrics (especially those of both Fall Out Boy and Panic! At the Disco) to be absolutely ridiculous. (Apparently, I am not the only one, because their lyrics and the ridiculousness thereof have been relentlessly memed in the last several years.) (*I actually quite like pop music, and I think writing pop songs is an art form, but, holy shit, was so much of 2000's pop bad.)

Like the 2000's and 2010's twee, the 2000's emo was vastly removed from its more underground and intersectional origins. It's worth noting that twee was also originally an off-shoot of  punk--same radical ethics, with a softer, gentler sound, and providing a safer space for body and gender inclusivity. Emo, like twee, returned not only a far cry from its intersectional origins, it became a bastion of commercialization and consumerism. 

Emo that came out of the 80s and 90s hardcore punk scene was scrappy and introspective. It differentiated itself from the outright aggression and anger  of punk by being more "emotional" (even though anger is an emotion, but whatever). Emo gave people a space where they felt like they could truly be themselves through its "confessional" nature. For some 2000s young men--not all, but some--it gave them a space to feel comfortable being the worst version of themselves.

It's certainly been an ...interesting thing to look back on. I somehow evaded a lot of the worst parts of the emo genre in the 2000s. So, colour me wholly surprised by just how shockingly, and deeply disturbingly misogynistic lyrics to one of the "top emo anthems" by Take Back Sunday is, "Cute Without the 'E.'"

So many of these songs are sung by many of these acts who position themselves as being the "better option" than their more "traditionally masculine" (whatever that means, honestly) counterparts, how much of an "obvious" choice they are  to "pick." As opposed to the, you know, "stupid jock" ones. It's very interesting to me how vile so many of these songs are towards women with nary an eye blink, whereas the same or similar sentiments in hip hop are just dogpiled on by the media. (Smells like good, old fashion anti-Blackness to me, but what do I know?) 

So, why am I talking about this?

Because looking back on the songs of the 2000s emo era makes me realize that the way  men I interacted with behaved did not exist in a vacuum. 

Really, most of the men in the "softer," "emo," or nerd spaces I had problems with were guilty of this. 

It's the emo boy with the skateboard who draws you and writes poetry about you every day on the train, but runs away from you, only to one day leave you with this (never to be seen again):

It's the childhood friends (yes, plural, this has happened more than once) who can't accept that you're not "choosing" them when they are the "obvious" choice, and it leads to violence.

It's the "sensitive poet" who decided to go back to his toxic relationship with his ex-girlfriend, hands you a tear-stained letter acting like he is the victim, and goes on to make you a character in his webcomic decades later.

It's the co-worker of an ex-friend who was promised by said ex-friend that you would date this person, and then when I (who wasn't consulted in this transaction at all, by the way) decided to not be interested, is then presented as being shallow or manipulative or cruel. (He wrote songs about me, btw, lmao.)

It's negging.

It's only wanting to date "girls" (women) who fit the parameters of a certain aesthetic.

Let me just say, I don't think there's anything wrong at all with being sensitive. I think choosing to be soft, empathetic, and compassionate in a world that increasingly tries to convince you to not be is a powerful thing. In the words of Morrissey, "it takes guts to be gentle and kind."  I think that sexism also hurts men, and real feminism is intersectional, which includes men, because, AGAIN, these rigid ideals hurt men, too. Gender is a cultural construct, and gender expression is meant to be this beautiful kaleidoscope. (FFS,  in the 2000s, we used to call men metro if they bathed.) Everyone is hurt by rigid, gendered ideals, and I think that's what made the 2000s emo so powerful to so many young people--the freedom from those shackles. The nail polish, the girls' jeans, and the eye make -up didn't  absolve them from toxic behaviours. Not unlike deconstructing evangelicals who merely transfer their self-righteousness away from Jesus and just onto a new smug evangelism, emo boys never took the time to unpack their own gender bias. Many of them would go on to hurt women the same way that society hurt them.

In the article "Your Princess is in Another Castle," author Robin Varghese painstakingly explores the entitlement towards women in nerd culture specifically, and how women are seen as objects to be "won," as if they were just another feature in any of their innumerable video games. Like emo boys and men of the 2000s, they view themselves as the underdog, the victim, the unsung hero waiting for their heroics to simply be discovered by the object of their desires. But that's just the thing, isn't it? She's not a person, she's an object.

You know, I am quite concerned with the future of young men who have been increasingly radicalized on online platforms, in backroom chats or through podcasts. Emo is starting to "come back," and does this mean that the "beta male misogyny" is going to be even worse this time around with the Man0sphere nonsense being so prevalent?

 I thought about the young man with the skateboard for the first time in years a few months ago when I found that old train ticket in a drawer I was cleaning out. I used to keep the ticket in my wallet. I had laminated it. When I worked in San Mateo, I would see him on BART going in the Millbrae direction. He was very tall, handsome. He was Latino of some kind, I am not sure which, but my friends and I who rode the train together affectionately referred to him as "Juan Keats." He always had a white t-shirt of some kind, jeans that were cuffed at the bottom to reveal his black hightop  converse sneakers. He had a pompadour, a black leather jacket. He was quite handsome. Every day he would sit there and draw me, or furiously scribble in a notebook looking at me, only to run away when I'd wave at him. One day he came up to me and handed me this train ticket before running away. I don't think I saw him ever again after that. It's a story that I laugh about; the ticket is a keepsake I will never part with. There is that lingering part of me that is still...sad about it.  I was something to admire, but not someone. It was like I was a fantasy, and not a person at all. I can laugh about it, and, trust me, I LAUGH about it from time to him, but in the back of my mind, there's always that nagging little voice that reminds me that, for as funny as it was, it was also dehumanizing. 

(For the record, I don't think of myself as being particularly spectacular or special, so I am always  confused as to why this is such an on-going issue for me.)

I think, at its core, emo music is an embodiment of the universal need to be loved and accepted. It gives safety to people, especially teens, who are vulnerable, who feel like no one understands them. I think that's a beautiful thing. I don't think there is a single thing in this world as powerful a form of communication as music is. Music has an ability to truly speak to our souls--even music without words--more than anything else that has ever existed. Emo has had a lasting impact on pop culture, and, unlike a  lot of 2000s aesthetics, it never truly went away completely. The hallmark of emo was always its introspection.

I think that now is the time that it expands its introspection to unpack some of its own problems.

EDIT: I couldn't NOT include this video... because... woof.

One final note: 

Also, in writing this essay, I was reminded that Pete Wentz and Brendon Urie are not the same person. I will probably forget again.