Hating all the faking I'm shaking while you're breaking my brittle heart

 I cried so much these last few days, my eyes were all black and swollen.

The rest of my skin looked really nice, though.

(Ignore the cat hair.)

I have been crying about a lot of things lately. The world is a horrible place right now, and we are all so dysregulated constantly (which, of course, if by design), so I am trying to take that into consideration. Mercury is going back in the microwave sometime this week, too, so I am trying to do the Daniel Tiger "count to 10" instead of just blowing up at people. Then--of course-- there is that little voice in the back of your mind that whispers, "other people get to blow up if they want, they get to treat people however they want, why don't you?"

Something I have been considering a lot is the expiration date on certain friendships. I think that one of my friendships has long since run its course, and it's rancid at this point. It has reached its end, and it has culminated into bitter resentment after decades of trying to placate situations, trying to be understanding, trying to be patient. I have to stop and remind myself that not everyone is as responsible as I am, not everyone has had the same wrecked life that I have had, not everyone has the same trauma that I do. I know this. I try to be patient and understanding and not be toxic and make room and space for everyone.

....until I can't any longer.

This has been the culmination of years and years of tolerating things most people would.

Most people, in fact, do not.

To everyone else, the way I am going about this seems like an unreasonable over-reaction. To me it's what happens when I have reached the END-end of my fuse and it blows up. I let a lot of things slide until I don't.

Now everything annoys me. Everything makes me resentful. Everything gets me so worked up to the point where I am dysregulated.

It's turning me into something and someone I don't want to be.

I've come to the realization that this person is not going to change, and are always going to be this selfish, greedy, spoiled, insipid, and grating. 

I know I have a reputation for "abruptly" cutting people off. To an outside viewer, it looks like I have cut someone off like a crack of lightning out of a clear, blue sky. I know someone might see this as me being cruel, but it negates the fact that I have put up with it for years, and that it's now starting to effect my actual nervous system. I hang onto things too long, I let too much go on for too long. 

And then I explode.

I think, for me, one of the hardest things for me to deal with is betrayal. Even if it is not an out-right betrayal. Even if it's just an implied betrayal. Once I feel betrayed, I can never  feel safe again. Once there is a betrayal of some kind, everything is seen through that lens. Nothing is ever the same again. Even if we remain in contact, I will never trust the same way again. Even if I never tell them, there is now a pin in my brain that reminds me during every interaction henceforth, "this person has betrayed you."

I can't pretend with this friendship anymore. I can't pretend that I do not openly resent them. I cannot pretend like every interaction with this person doesn't drain me. I cannot pretend that things are okay when they aren't. I can't pretend that constantly looking at the horizon to find the better social offer doesn't bother me. I can't pretend that them constantly lengthening their life experience to mine doesn't enrage me. I try to be that person who is not toxic and is instead understanding, but it does reach a point where it's beyond insensitive, and just inappropriate. I cannot pretend that holding space for behaviours that are concerning means that I am being a good friend. I can't pretend I don't notice the jealousy.

Because the truth of it is: I have always loved this person as someone I held as a dearest friend, and I am just an afterthought to this person.