Must It Be Forever

 Last week, I hit "send" for the final time on my opera record, "Must It Be Forever."

Le Bas-Fond · must it be forever

Instead of feeling proud of myself, I felt disappointed. Defeated. Sad.

I sit here typing this out as my vocal cord is inflamed again, Aleve didn't work this morning, and I don't know when I will be able to sing again.  My brain always spirals out of control when this happens. It is an all-encompassing, paralyzing fear. Wanting to sing, but knowing I cannot right now, makes my entire body freeze up like a fainting goat's. I had been holding out on this record for the A6 in the Doll Song--something that every single time I get *almost there*--something happens that knocks my voice out.

I was supposed to release this record last year. I ended up not. It has been done for almost three years, and I just didn't want to hold my entire life back for 6 seconds.

I decided to release the record without the Doll Song, and to just move the Doll Song to the next record.

It's fine. It was fine. Everything was going to be fine.

I told myself that for almost 3 years, this record has been done. My voice had changed so much, and the doll song recording was so recent, it wouldn't even make sense to include it. It was fine. Everything was fine.

I started what would become this project in 2018. Under the guidance of a fraud, I floundered. I was mostly self-taught. Because this person has no idea what they are doing, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I finally was able to break free from the horror show. I had to re-record everything because I lost access to my own recordings. It was fine, because the original ones were so terrible. I now had recordings. I now had to learn from the actual accompaniments and not the sloppy disasters I was expected to be ever so grateful for.

I started working with an actual vocal coach. I was able to get through all of the tracks in about 8 or 9 months. And then in November of 2023, I got viral laryngitis, and lost my voice for almost 6 months. Now every single time I get sick, my voice goes down, for a month at a time. At LEAST.

The last time I finished a track was in 2023. I have no idea when my voice is coming back.

I have to rest. I sit here drinking my ginger turmeric tea, sucking on Fisherman's Friend. Trying to gently remind myself that my voice WILL come back, it's just not here right now. Right now is for hydrating. Right now is for silence.  My vocal cord will be okay, it's just not okay right now. My voice will be okay, it will come back, it's just here right now.

Anyway, my record 'Must It Be Forever' is available for a pre-order now, and you can find it everywhere on February 13th.