When I come to terms, to terms with this My world will change for me

I hope I can come back in my next life with friends that are not exhaustingly insecure or emotionally immature. 💔

As this dumpster fire of a year draws to a close, I find myself thinking a lot lately about my friendships. I think maybe it's because it was a seminal anniversary of graduating from high school (20 years), and there's been a lot to look back on. I also think it's because I had reached a breaking point with so many of my friendships. I ended several friendships this year that were long-standing. I also rekindled a couple with people I just hadn't been in touch with. I started hanging out with new people, and I can't believe how relaxed I felt. There are certain people whom I have started to greatly limit my interactions with, and I cannot believe how much nicer I feel.

Here are somethings I have learned or come to terms with this year:

• My entire life, I have always had "friends" that were some of my biggest bullies or biggest secret (and not-so-secret) haters. People whom I cared about, whom I always saw as my friends--whom I cared about very deeply--were in a secret, one-sided competition with me. People, friends or not, have always been both jealous of and intimidated by me. I don't understand this, because I do not see myself as being that special. This jealousy and secret competition are completely unwarranted. I am not here to compete with anyone. I hope everybody wins. It makes me so sad, because I have had to work so hard for literally everything--exponentially harder than everyone else around me for so much as a modicum of a relief--so anything that I do have, I earned.  I worked hard, I put in the hours, I paid for it, I did it. Whether it's my singing voice, my body, my artistic abilities, my skincare--I did all those things. I have had a VERY HARD LIFE, and have won some very hard-fought battles. If you're so worried about what I have, maybe focus on your own stupid shit???? Maybe you'd have the same results if you weren't so busy looking at what I have??? Or what you THINK I have????
• I have started to greatly limit my interactions with certain people, and my nervous system is doing so much better. I didn't realize just HOW much they were constantly exhausting me. It was so nice not dealing with them competing with me or whining constantly, so nice not dealing with them trying to co-opt other people's problems (including mine). Not cut them off, but keep them at a great distance. I could not believe how regulated my nervous system has felt not dealing with certain people.
• I realized that I had friends or am surrounded by people I didn't want to tell my good news to. They would either downplay it, ruin it, make shitty comments, or make it about them. I decided to not have people ruin things or attract the evil eye, that I would just keep my happiness to myself.
• This year, I made it a point to no longer tolerate disrespect. I ended a friendship this year because he ruined my birthday. This person has had issues with "negging" me for some time, and it got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. On top of always sending me news stories about animals being harmed because he thought it was "funny," he made the last-ever fucking comment about my age/face/weight/ body. I read the message, and then blocked him. He tried to call me a few weeks ago (which somehow got through even though his number is blocked?????), and I did not respond. I will not be made to feel bad.  He decided to be shitty, and I decided to say bye.
• I have decided that no one can make their insecurities my problem anymore. You feeling bad about yourself is no longer my problem!
• I will push back in 2026--y'all have been warned!