Looking for... A shooting star to point me in the right direction

  We are different people to every single person we meet. Which one gets to be the "real" us?

When do their perceptions of who you are blur into you?

Last night, a Taylor Swift stan left a nasty comment replying to me on TikTok, snidely asking how I like my "500 followers" and if they "come to see me in concert"--as if to say, that because I am not famous, my art doesn't count. My music and opinions don't count. As if to say that because I am not "famous," my art doesn't mean anything. My music has no value because I am not famous.  And I responded them telling them my parents didn't buy my career, and that I do not care about being famous.

Which is true.

If nothing else, I'd only wish to recoup the amount of money that I put into my music, and to have the songs effect people emotionally.

The truth of it is,  not only I am not interested in being famous, I simply cannot compete with money. There is no amount of talent that is going to get me seen, unless there is some great fluke of the algorithms that would make one of my videos or my songs float to the top like a dead body. I have built my dedicated people, made it a point to be engaged with almost every single one. I know and have come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to complete with a nigh unlimited amount of funds, buying comments, likes, and views from bot accounts. I know at 38 years old that I absolutely cannot compete with people who have more access to money than I. It's just reality. The great equalizer that was supposed to be the digital music new Wild West, has, unfortunately, succumbed to the same pay to play bullshit as everything else. 

But there is another reason.

Back when Twitter was still a thing, a couple of my tweets went viral. In one of them, I accidently misspoke. Attention I was already overwhelmed by became unbearable. Someone who wasn't even connected to the conversation (and who would often use viral tweets to bring attention to their constant begging for money on the internet), inserted themselves, making themselves an authority of someone I should answer to. When I tersely responded to someone else (about Stephen King), they invented an entire narrative about my intentions, and encouraged people to come down on me. When I corrected them, they never amplified the correction in the same way the call for my blood was. This was almost three years ago, and to this day, still haunts me--that a lasting impression of me to some people was a misinterpretation of my not being chronically online and "answering" to a self-appointed authority. There were people in the subtweets saying, "oh, well, I always got a nasty vibe from her," or "I never liked her." These were accounts that I had never interacted with, I had no idea who they were--but they were, apparently, very well aware of who I was and had opinion enough to dislike me. Screaming at me to "do better" because I didn't answer to this one person--even though I DM'd my friends who were caught up in the virality of the thread, as well as every single person who took the time to let me know I had misspoke.  You know, people who I actually need to talk to. (It's neither here nor there, but I feel as though it's worth mentioning that I do not think this "reconnecting" person was actually Native, and was, instead, inserting themselves into a community in order to tap into their lucrative mutual aid scene...but I digress...) It was a very frightening experience, because I had so many people who had invented intention from me, who crafted whole narratives about what I meant and who  I was and what I was about. Accounts I had never seen were so familiar with me and had such a deep-seated distain. I didn't even know them.

I could not imagine being famous in any capacity and have that happen on a larger scale.

Thankfully, that all died down within a few days, but I certainly reevaluated my online footprint. I word things so carefully, and I know that words have power. I really care about what I say, how I say them, and how others might view them.

I have held my career back for a very long time because of my past. Not just for the monetary issues, but for things I may have said that have hurt others. Times when I was in the wrong, times when hurt others on purpose. Will that all come back up? Stories people have of me where I am their villain--for better, or for worse, will those rise to the top like a rancid cream? Will essays where I misspoke in my high school newspaper come back to haunt me? Will the internet--which is sooooo known for being a bastion of empathy and nuance, spare any for a mentally ill child on incompatible psych meds who behaved badly 20 years ago? Will lies told about me 20 years ago come back to haunt me?  Will my recounts of CSA be scrutinized? Will people who are jealous their careers never took off

I think back to three years ago when Sacheen Littlefeather walked on, and lies were published about her genealogy, which, of course, were very easily refuted. The media outlets knew that they had published lies, knew that they had to make corrections, but chose to uphold the lies because they sell better. First TF of all, how is that journalism? Secondly, like I said, the correction is never amplified in the way the disrespect was.

I think about Chappell Roan.

She literally spoke out non-stop and was dogpiled for it constantly. She is now saying that we should not base our opinions on such serious matters on celebrity and entertainers. Everything she says (not just in this case) is blown out of proportion into a soundbite. People on TikTok made endless videos on this right now and people in the comment sections  are completely inventing intention, saying she's this or that, all because she didn't want to get trapped again. Especially how people  poorly responded with her trying to set boundaries and asking them to leave her family alone, and not wanting them to follow her to her car, how poorly people responded to her being candid about having to cancel shows because of mental health issues, she is trying to create a boundary there on her political views--specifically because of how emboldened people are towards her, and how outwardly ab*sive people are to her.

She said in one interview,  ONE INTERVIEW,  she didn't think she was an appropriate source for political guidance,  and you all invented Victor Hugo-length NOVELS about how she's a secret c*nservative, saying she's profiting and not helping,  and evil, etc. First of all, just because someone is loud doesn't mean they actually believe any of those things (as we've seen endless times, people can build their whole careers off of false personalities), secondly, not taking up space on topics leaves room for the people who actually need to be heard. CR is NOT centering herself,  she's asking people to go to those who are more informed. Y'all really created narratives based on absolutely NOTHING. 

You all repeatedly told her to shut up, so she is, and now that's not good enough, either.

Let's face it, y'all have always just wanted to be bullies, and under the guise of righteousness now get to be the most unconscionable and cruel bullies you've always wanted to be. 

I speak and write very carefully, because I care about how and what I say impacts others. There are times when I didn't care, and I just acted as nasty as everyone else does. I still think about all of those times all the time. I still care about the fact that I did this. I still care about the fact that things I said approaching 20 years ago might still have hurt someone. I think about the fact that that might be the only version of me that person knows, and that it's an iteration that hurts them.

I will never say that wasn't the real me, or that I am "not that person now," because those things were all done by me. Even things I didn't have control over, like when I was forced on incompatible psych meds and behaved horrendously, and hurt so many people, was still physically done BY me. I think about that a lot.

My friend Stephanie of BroadwayBopo (hi, Stephanie!) recently made a video about Trisha Paytas being cast in the revival of Beetlejuice--to which Trisha personally responded  with both corrections and elaborations (which you can see in the comment section). My question is--do we allow people to change?  (Obviously, I am not saying I am at her level of bad things done or whatever, but you get the idea--there is even a comment left by a user saying, "It wild to me bc ppl gave her the grace to “change” yet ppl who didn’t do things nearly as awful as her aren’t given that.")

It all makes me question as to who are  really, truly. Are we the people we see when we define ourselves? or are we the people that we are that exist in the minds of others?