Spent the whole trip Tryin' to go my own way

On this last Saturday, I saw the trolls at Filoli for the second time.

It was very hot (creeping towards the triple digits). I took a lot of pictures. Again, I was in none of them because I didn't feel good about myself or my body. In really did not look or feel good.

My body is back to normal-ish now. My self-perception waffles back and forth between good and bad. It's so not much the vanity part of it (although that's also part of it, I won't lie), I want to be in photos and have photos of myself to remember that I exist in my own life. I don't want to look back as someone who documented my life, I want to be someone who was an active participant in their own life.

And, ...LOOK, I understand that there are nine kajillion other things I need to worry about right now, but also my never-ending battle with body dysmorphic disorder is nothing to scoff at. It's a war between me and my brain, and it's a brutal one.