Do you ever have a good time but there's still this voice that's Telling you you don't deserve this kind of love, I'm trying?

 This last week was... hard.

I will finish the birthday recaps tomorrow. I need to regroup my brain and collect my thoughts on this.

Last week, I had to let go of another therapist.

Let me be perfectly clear, right here, right now: I do not think that I am smarter than someone with advanced degrees. I do not think that I know more about something than trained professionals. I do not think that I am too good for therapy. What I DO  know is that I know myself very, very well, and I will not let someone who hasn't spent enough time with me making sweeping declarations about me. I DO know that I don't need someone who tells me to just give my pets away. I DO know that I have had a certain diagnosis since the age of 6, and has since been re-diagnosed multiple times by multiple other professionals, I don't need someone who has only spent less than an hour with me to tell me I don't have that diagnosis, when that's exactly why I sought their help in the first place.

I want help. I seek help. I am a doer and a fixer and I want to fix what is wrong, or--at the VERY LEAST--remediate it.

That's two in a month.

And, look, I know--I KNOW-- that I am constantly being characterized as being "difficult," as asking for "too much," for being "too much," for being "unreasonable." I had a therapist once tell me, to my face, that I was "asinine" and "spoiled," and "how dare" dislike my mother when she "drove [me] [there]." (This therapist was yeeted VERY quickly.)

I have been in mental health care off and on since I was 6 years old. My absolute worst experiences have been under the supervision of mental health care professionals. I have survived things that would have absolutely killed other people.

People always say, "Oh, do this, do that, get help, blah blah blah blah, etc."--but they don't actually know that they are saying. They don't know what this looks like, they don't know what it actually means.

I don't expect my therapists to be perfect or agree with them 1000%--but, holy shit, can I get someone, anyone, who can actually assist me? Can I get someone who doesn't think me giving my pets away is a solution? Can I get someone who tries to tell me to my face after knowing me less than an hour that I don't have PTSD?! FFS!!!!😭

I have never known a life without mental unwellness or trauma, and... JFC, I just want to have a semi, vaguely normal existence. PLEASE.