Do you ever have a good time but there's still this voice that's Telling you you don't deserve this kind of love, I'm trying?

 It's been a rough 48 hours.

This morning before I left, I was practicing smiling in the mirror in a way that looked natural, but I literally cannot stop crying.

The stairs and the escalators are down at my train station. Tuesday night, the escalator was not running, and was functioning like stairs. Unfortunately, those steps are NOT EVEN the way real stairs are, and I ended up stepping down wrong on my ankle that is permanently broken and mildly sprained it. 😑😣

I ended up standing for my train ride in because it was easier to just use the poles as support instead of trying to get up from being seated.

I felt so cute yesterday, like I really nailed it (minus the brace).

Over jacket: True vintage (thrifted)

Top, cat socks, jumper, shoes, safety shorts: Amazon

Cardigan: Simple Retro (final sale)

Undies: PourMoi

Brace(LOL): Walgreens

It was so foggy again yesterday, it was listed as being RAIN on the forecast.

I had better luck on the down escalator last night, but had to sit to wait for my train. Unfortunately, people are SUPER understanding when others are injured, and I had some woman sit on me and I had several people step on me.  I had a really bad interaction with the Transit Nemesis, which resulted in my bursting into tears and crying uncontrollably on the train. 

I saw that my train car had an angel number on it, and cried even harder.

I was really looking forward to getting my package from eBay with my blind boxes. The sender was nice enough to include a few extra treats:

Unfortunately, one of those treats was a box cutter, and I started sobbing again because I was already triggered.  I know this person had NO IDEA that this was one of my triggers, and that SH was something I've been thinking about a LOT lately. I ended up throwing it in the back of my closet (and took a video of myself doing this for accountability), where I know I won't be able to get it.

At least my little blind box treat was cute. This one is the most "IT ME! 😃" of the two of them, so she lives at my desk at work now!

I ended up not working out last night, and just went to bed crying.

It's supposed to be a once in a lifetime New Moon portal that only comes around every 250 some odd years, a cazimi, etc., but I could not manifest last night. I couldn't do a ritual. I couldn't even wish or hope for anything, because I know those things don't happen for me. I cannot fill myself up with false hopes and phantasmal promises. I have always been the kind of person who didn't even wish or hope because I knew--I KNEW-- those things would never be for me. I am mad at myself that I recently let myself believe that those things could happen. The whole astrology for the rest of June is supposed to be very auspicious for love for Capricorn risings, but I cannot entertain something I know is not real.  Those things are for other people not me. I read those things, and I tell myself in the voice inside my head, in a very pragmatic way, "that's not for you. Don't look at, don't listen to those videos, don't read that shit. That's not for you, and you know that."

I had a hard time getting out of bed this morning.💔

I had this angel number as my train again, and I started crying again.

Stood up again because it was too hard to sit down and stand up with the ankle (plus my skirt is too short).

Over jacket: Ralph Lauren (LOL)(thrifted--duh)

Cardigan: second hand, true vintage

Blouse, skirt, pettipants (safety shorts), shoes: Amazon

Socks: I literally have zero idea, they just appeared one day.

Longline bra: PourMoi

Panties: Target

Brace(LOL): Walgreens

I had such a wonderful time on Saturday, it really felt like I had friends for one of the first times ever. It's so hard for me to believe that other people care about me. I know it was real, but it almost felt too good to even be real. I always feel like  there is no way that people could actually care about me.