On the sidewalk the people Are hustling and bustling They ain't got no time So they think of the thing That will fill in the space In between a birth and death

Two years ago, this August, I went to to NYC for the first time in 6 years. I said I was never going to go again. It had become a symbol of hurt and lies for me, and I felt unwelcomed there.

Then, two of my friends were cast in Broadway shows, and I bit the bullet to go see them. I decided that was going to be my birthday present to myself, a trip to NYC.

I did a lot of fun things, but I still felt like I had stayed a little too long. I saw so many of my friends who live there, but I spent a lot of time there by myself. I was surrounded by people in the biggest city in the world every moment of the day, and I felt completely alone.

2023 was a very hard year. My coworker and friend passed away and I spent my entire savings on my cat's radiation procedures. I was depleted mentally and emotionally.

NYC is fun to visit, and I enjoyed staying in Brooklyn way more than I ever did in Manhattan. I am really good at navigating public transit, and I liked that the trains were clean and safe. I had no issues figuring everything out, even with the closures of certain lines and stations.

The neighbourhood I was in was pretty cute.

This was my birthday cake.

It was humid every day and my hair was poofy like this at all times.

This was one of those times where I really felt alone. I was the only person in this station, and it was very small. The platform was about the width of a sidewalk. It was literally you, the wall, and this tiny strip of platform.

I visited this Goodest Boy every day.

On the flight over from San Francisco, I watched two of my childhood staples, Labyrinth and The NeverEnding Story, both of which have greatly informed who I am as a person today. I cry a lot through them both normally, but this time it really hit differently. That scene in Labyrinth where Sarah tells Jareth, "you have no power over me" really struck me. I went and faced two things that had held immense power over me. I told one of them where to go, and I confronted the other across the street. I looked at it and it meant absolutely nothing to me anymore. It was just an ugly old stained shithole of a  building.

HIMB

I walked all the way to The Met several times and sang in front of it. I know one day this will be an artistic home to me.

HIMB

I found little pieces of myself all the way across the world.

I confronted other places that I was afraid to go back to. It was like BRIGADOON, I knew it wasn't there, but I just wanted to see where it was. I knew--I KNEW--I was never going to find it again, and I didn't want it back. I just... I just wanted to see where it had been because of all the lying, manipulation, and gas lighting.

I feel in love with places I had never been before.

I face my fears of this diorama.

I saw my beloved.

I cried because I missed Cross.

I found my grandfather and my Ancestors.

I spent most of my time in NYC wandering about Central Park.  I didn't get to go the Central Park Children's Zoo, but I loved this. I loved all these old brick buildings with the sculptures. New York is a vibe.

But it's not my vibe. I definitely could never envision myself as a New Yorker. Golden Gate Park to me is so much better. San Francisco is the home of my heart forever and ever.

If there is one thing about NY that I did appreciate, is that I felt like the rules didn't matter. I didn't care if I wore short -shorts because there was no one to stop me. I was a whole new person, a fictional character. No one cared, and I also didn't care. It felt so body positive, because people had no other choice but to be comfortable.

I would like to go back at some point, now that my personal style is ironed out. I would like to go back. Maybe in the early Fall or something, when it's a little cooler. I recognize that's a silly reason to want to travel across the country (lol), but I know I would finally be comfortable and able to enjoy everything fully. I want to go back to NYC and have my pictures taken to remind myself that I was there. Not taking pictures of things to know I was there, but pictures of me to know I was there.

Venus was retrograding in Leo during my trip, and I absolutely felt it. I was there during a time that was challenging for me, and  I confronted things that have haunted me. I purge the last little bit of whatever it was holding me back or any nostalgia that I had felt. I was in the belly of the beast on multiple trauma anniversaries and I confronted the things that had caused me pain

Through dangers untold. And hardships unnumbered. I have fought my way here to the castle; beyond the goblin city, to take back the child that you have stolen. My will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom as great...

My kingdom is great... My kingdom is great... You have no power over me. You have no power over me!

This week has had a lot of portals for manifestation, both the 555 portal and the 5/8 portal today. I know in my heart, I have found what I was looking for, I found what I always wanted.

I had to go to NY even though it scared me in order to love you.

I want to go to the aquarium with you. I want stand on my tiptoes to kiss you under the giant blue whale. I want to introduce you to my friends, I want to share places in this vast and ugly city I find beauty in. I want to take you to the Natural History Museum and start on the top floor and show you every single hall and everything in all the halls which I love so much. I want to wear cute outfits and hold hands with you even though I hate holding or touching hands. 

I hope the next time I go, it's with you.