Mi struggo e mi tormento!

Hello, it's 4:30am, and I have some *thoughts*.

I hesitate to share these thoughts in a public space, as I know The Internet is Forever™️, but I also know it's an elephant shitting in the middle of the room. I am fully aware that those who state that there is a problem are treated more harshly than the problem itself. Who is going to read this? I don't know, but I do know that my conscience will be clear after its vetted.

This is a fun, no-filter, back-facing/main camera selfie of my just enjoying my life on Saturday. This is how I am the vast majority of the time if left to my own devices; just a weird girl and her kooky t-shirt collection against the world.

I am unpretentious, unassuming, and, for all intents and purposes, just a normal girl with whacky interests out here just trying to survive this cattywampus world.

A normal, whacky girl against the world whose voice can do this.

Yes, yes, there have been MANY jokes about me being an absolute clown show as a person and singing material like this. God really said, "I am going to give the biggest walking disaster this voice."

I've been thinking a lot about my career as a singer recently as I wrap up my last aria for the opera album. (Yes, I am aware this has been in the Cher's Farewell Tour-stage of being finished for the last year.) Because I did not go the conventional route for the career of an opera singer, I have many roadblocks. I did not have extensive voice training as a small child or young teenager. I do not have a Masters' degree in voice. In fact, I do not have any degree in music. I did not go to a conservatory, I did not attend a young artist programme, I did not download a YAP tracker. In lieu of this, I underwent years of private training (some of which was disastrous, -0/10, DO NOT recommend) instead. Before that, I was a synth pop artist and a film composer. I composed my first song cycle before I had a single formal voice lesson.

I fully admit that I had no idea what I was doing--I even blissfully said this whilst it was happening because I thought the whole this was so droll. I had an idea, and I just went for it. Shortly after this was released, I had my first "voice lesson" (I am loath to describe that experience as such, but, for the purposes of this entry, I guess I have to). (I actually ended up having to re-learn everything I had "learned" from previous a "teacher.")

Instead of a Masters' degree, I am doing this opera record, which has taken the same length of time to complete as a degree, in order that I may have tangible proof that that I am capable of commanding this material. I don't want it to be "a good record for a pop singer," I want it to be a good opera record, period. 

I've worked very hard on everything I've done, and I am very proud of it. This record has, by far, some of the hardest I've ever worked on anything in my life--not just as a singer, but as a technician and engineer. 

Let's remind back to talking about my career for a second. Because I come from the indie music and film world originally, I know how to promote an album when its completed. Often times as recording artists, our lives are chronicled by release cycles, and those become the touchstones of our seminal life moments instead of more conventional ones. I am already mapping out the release timeline, thinking of setting up recitals. I missed this year's audition season because I ran out of both time and money. Last year, when I contracted viral laryngitis (for absolutely no GOD FORSAKEN REASON),  I lost out on both audition season and Gigmas Money, leaving me also unable to do the Easter circuit this year. I turned 37 in August, and even though I still get asked regularly where my parents are (this isn't even a flex, it's embarrassing!!!), I got hit will a wall of "I am running out of time."

Feeling like I am "too old," "too disabled," that because I do not do music full-time that I am not a "real" opera singer, etc. You know, really listening to those critical inner voices, internalizing elitisms being shown to me, and buying into the scarcity mindset.

Believing that because my career does not look a certain way, that it's not valid, or "real."

I find myself revisiting this (incredible) video essay by literal ray of sunshine and arts advocate Robin Hahn, who brings me back and grounds me with some kind of reality: just because it doesn't look a certain way, does not mean that that certain way is THE way, the ONLY way. It's not me (for once! lol), it's not my own ineptitude or me doing something wrong. It's that in industry is designed neither to accessible, nor inviting. Of course, there are many wonderful people (like Robin and others) and institutions (like Pacific Opera Project), who are trying to change it, to make it more accessible, who are trying to buck some of opera's worst attributes. 

I had to really have a moment with myself this morning and ask, "am I really an opera singer?" 

I think back to a conversation a friend of mine and I had over dinner once, in which this person asked me what I would have done, "if [I] had been a recording artist?"--as if at that point I hadn't released multiple EPs, 4 full length albums, innumerable singles, and the aforementioned song cycle. I politely told her that just because I don't have the capacity to tour, it didn't mean that I wasn't a recording artist. In October of the previous year, I had released my second album in that same year. So, what was all that? I had that huge catalog, but because I wasn't "famous" none of that mattered, and I wasn't a "real" recording artist, I guess! (Please feel free to read "real" in Pinocchio's voice, by the way.)

I'd like to bring up the example of the artist Shara Nova, who has had a multifaceted career. Starting her career in opera, moving making indie pop music, and then circling back around to singing compositions she wrote, including the above baroque opera. 

Shara has had an ASTOUNDING career as a composer, vocalist for other composers, a pop singer, and even an ensemble member of other bands. 

Just because my career does not look a certain way right now, doesn't mean it always won't look that way. Just because it doesn't look that way doesn't mean that it's not real. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about how many of us would have different-looking careers if we didn't have boundaries and constraints--and, even if those were lifted, that careers looking different would also still be okay.

I am going to give the unconventional example of NASCAR. Recently, NASCAR reshuffled itself and its standards and regulations so that all drivers are on equal footing; everyone uses the same cars, and everyone has the same access. It's no longer the drivers with the most money winning all of the time. Wouldn't you know? --suddenly all of the drivers that had constantly been pulling in mid-range have now consistently been top drivers. 

Just think--if something as massive and problematic as NASCAR could re-adjust itself to make things even so much as a modicum more accessible, with astound results, what's really stopping anything else? 

Everyone is going to give you a different answer, but sometime you have to answer only to yourself.