It's coming on Christmas They're cutting down trees They're putting up reindeer And singing songs of joy and peace

Actual photographic evidence of my dysregulated nervous system.

I usually struggle pretty profoundly at Christmas time under the best circumstances, but this year, I feel like I am being suffocated. I took several large financial and emotional hits this year, and nothing makes you feel more alone or reminds you of what you are lacking than at Christmastime. I am trying very hard to stave off this coming depression freight train to little avail. I can feel it coming, but I am not letting myself feel it, because I know that if I let it in than it will be a floodgate, and it's all over.

I know that there are people who absolutely love Christmas, I am just not one of them. Christmas has always been sad to me. It's cold and wet, the world is dark, cold, wet, and sad. You have to spend money on people who don't care if you live or die, and you're the Biggest Villain if you don't. Buying toys for little kids is always super fun, though. I really enjoy doing that. 

It's supposed to storm again this weekend, and this weekend is supposed to be T-rexmas. I am legitimately overwhelmed, have not finished making the dino bags for everyone, because I don't even know if I am going! I hate relying on other people, and it's hard to both be so steadfastly reliable, but also dependent on people who are notoriously not.  I hate uncertainty (it legitimately makes me spiral!). One of my biggest negative points I should say is being too overly self-reliant, which they say is a trauma response--but I wouldn't have to have it if people weren't so exhaustingly unreliable!!!!

I am burnt out and sad with a little over a week left, and all I want to do is cry on the floor and I can't.