you and me forever, honey in the tomb

I have been working on new  and original music in secret for the last year. I grew very burnt out, and deeply unhappy with everything that I had worked on. I am still very much burnt out and deeply unhappy with much of what I have worked on. I think two of the other pieces that I worked on and released as singles won't make any body of work.

This is one of the few things I've really not only liked, but been very proud of.

This one was in development for probably the longest of the latest batch. I wanted to make sure it was *perfect* before it was released. 

I don't usually explain what songs are about; I usually just release them into the world and let people think what they want. I also don't want people to know that much about me (which is sort of  funny because my music is so deeply personal). But I would hate for anyone to misinterpret this one.

'End of the Finish' was an expression that had stuck with me for a long time. I had it written down in my notes as something I wanted to use for something. There was a certain finality to it that other similar expressions didn't have.

I have mentioned this several times before, here and in other spaces, but, as someone who scores 10/10 on the CDC's ACE test, having a childhood that had these adverse experiences as well as Disneyland is nothing short of miraculous. Disneyland was always something I held onto, looked forward to, and used as a touchstone for stability and safety. I know some people are going to mock this, and to that I say there are short piers you can take long walks off of. Disneyland remains one of the new happy memories I had as a child, and was one of the few places that I felt safe. I thought it was going to be a relationship that would never end.

And then it did.

After multiple (yes, more than one) unsafe interactions and instances with other guests, and the disastrously abysmal way that it was handled by guest services (especially the latter more recent one), I no longer feel safe at Disneyland. You couple that with the absolutely embarrassing way they handled the Brer Rabbit situation, being priced out and them going out of their way to make your experience as a guest as miserable as possible, I decided that now was a good time to say goodbye. 

Disneyland was one of those things I never thought I would ever live without, that it and I were synonymous, and now it faded away, like a Pepper's ghost effect.

My relationship with Disneyland fading into the mist is not unlike several close friendships that I had that have all but faded. It happened not just once, but twice; people that I cared about, and would have done anything for, found what they really wanted, and it was not me. I don't get to be part of their lives. I had this dream when I was younger that our little Get Along Gang was going to be together forever. We grew up together, were kids together, and I thought we were all gonna be friends forever and have our kids all play together. You know, stuff. They were the most important people in my life.

But when it came down to important things in their lives, the important and seminal moments, I realized that those moments didn't include me. My friendship wasn't as valuable to them as it had been to me. I watched multiple dreams come true, dreams that had been my dreams, too. But they came true without me. Everything I had hoped for for them all came to fruition; I just didn't realize that my piece would be missing.

Everything must change, and everything must end. You know this, I know this. Intellectually, you know this, I know this. But... emotionally? Emotionally, do I know this?

No.

No, I don't know it emotionally. No, I go over every single thing and wonder if I loved it enough. Did I spend enough time with it? Did I do everything I was supposed to? Did a waste any time I had with it?

The "end of the finish."

I wanted the expression "End of the Finish" to be used for something really special. I know people talk about breakups and how they "inspire" and effect people, but friendship breakups or even just losing that closeness that was once shared are far more seminal of losses to me than romantic things ending. I took a little bit from so many things I loved: a little Brer Rabbit, a few words of wisdom from The Last Unicorn, the sounds of the Main Street Electrical Parade, the whoosh of the Matterhorn Bobsleds, some Joni Mitchell vocal harmonies. It's all there.

It didn't matter how much I loved, it wasn't enough. My love wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. Disneyland didn't want people like me to go there anymore, because I was no longer their target demographic. The love I had for those friendships wasn't enough to hold them together. My love wasn't as important to them as it had been to me. I loved people and places with all my heart, but they did not return that love.

And that broke my heart into a million pieces.

Everyone got what they wanted, what they needed, even. And it wasn't me.

I had sat with my feelings about this for years now. I think I did a decent enough job capturing them here. 

At the very least, I hope you like this one.