Oh, it's gonna be the way you always thought it would be But it's gonna be no illusion

First of all, let me preface this by saying that I know there are a lot of things going on in the world right now. I care about them a lot. Very much a lot. But, as I have stated before, I don't think that talking about them here is appropriate. I share what I can on my social media platforms that have a bigger following, because those are places that I think it will actually do some good. So before anyone thinks, "oh, why is she whining about this whilst [xyz] is happening?!"--please understand, that I am well aware of those things happening. I care about them a lot. An awful lot.

I just wanted to get that out of the way, because, for all intents and purposes (and intense purposes), what I am going to talking about today is... pretty stupid. I mean, the nature of blogging is often self-reflection, and this is my personal online space.

All of that out of the way...

Something happened and I have been thinking about it for a while now, in the ways which is has bothered me. It was just a little thing, that has made me reevaluate a lot about my own life and my own life choices. Part of this, of course, is having been gaslit about my choices, no matter what they've been, my entire life (which is SO CHARMING, btw /s).

Someone that I dislike very deeply got married. Someone I dislike deeply,  whom I don't particularly consider a great person by any measures. Someone who, because of their shocking immaturity and downright double down on constant cringe, was someone whom I never would have thought someone else would have wanted to legally attach themselves to them. But legally attached themselves to them they did, it seems.

But it got me thinking, "...am I... am I doing something wrong?!"

I mean, the wedding in question was as absolutely cringe as you would expect from people who are frozen in a middle school aesthetic, and neither of them are prizes. Them deciding to be legally attached to each other doesn't mean they're more capable or mature or anything. It just means they got married.

But still, that ever-present little nagging voice in the back of my head is asking me, "...am I... am I doing something wrong?!" "Have I made the wrong life choices?"

Of course, that follows with the usual questions of, "is there something wrong with me?" "am I doing everything wrong?" "am I not attractive?"--etc. Being married was never even on the table for me as  goal or anything. It was nothing I was interested in. The idea of being legally attached to another person isn't appealing to me. I don't hate weddings, and I don't hate other people being in love or anything, it's just not something that I am interested in or want. I don't like interpersonal problems, and I don't like uncertainty and being delayed by other people. I, for the most part, enjoy being alone.

But my entire life, especially into adulthood, there have been people in my life who have nagged me about it. These were never things that I wanted, or even thought that I wanted, but I have been pressured by other people to care about these things, because they can't accept that what they've built their entire lives around isn't anything I want. Instead of being happy for me for what I do have, they want  to pressure me to want what they want.  It doesn't make it easier for me or change my mind, it just sends me into a spiral where I question literally everything.

Because it all circles back to trauma. I've thought a lot over the course of the last few years how different my life would be if I had had a normal life. I am not sure even if I didn't have the life experiences I had that I would be interested in the same things that most other people are--but there are so many people who are also not interested in these things, and that is very reassuring to me.  I can't really know what I would have been like without it. For the most part, I don't care, but there are moments where the pressure gets to me and I am made to feel like I am missing out on human experiences. (Not that, of course, anyone gives a zhit about the other things I have to miss out on because of my disabilities, but THOSE aren't as important--do you see what I mean?!"

Listen, I know at some point soon, I will go back to not caring, and not think about these people for another like 10-15 years. But right now I am letting myself feel things completely. This isn't a particularly flattering part of myself, but it is part of myself, and admitting it and talking about it is a way to work through it. Pretending these aspects of yourself don't exist don't make them go away. Talking about it, isolating it, and decompartmentalizing it are the only effective ways of dealing with it. It's important to face unflattering parts of yourself, the how's and the why's. 

I also always feel everything and never shut up, so there's that, too. Ha.