I thought that I was broken I thought that I had lost my mind I thought that I was so in So in love, you'd leave me behind

Something happened to me a couple of weeks ago, and I have been bottling it in.  I thought I might as well talk about it, even though this space might not be the best because of the on-going cyberstalking from people who are obsessed with policing who and who is not Indigenous, but, you know what? Might as well give those losers a show!

Anyway, here goes nothin'!

Two weeks ago, I realized something that scared me. It shocked me to my deepest core.

For the first time in almost 15 years, I was developing feelings for someone. 

These feelings, and this realization, are inconvenient, to say the very least!

The way that this person looked over at me made me feel the way that someone else did all those years ago, and I never thought I would have those kind of feelings, let alone that feeling, ever again.

It took me a second, to realize what had happened when it happened. It had been so long since I had felt this way, in any way, that it startled me. I couldn't stop smiling, but then I was hit with a sudden wall of sadness, thinking about the last time I had felt this way. 

The thing is, I never wanted to feel this way ever again. I was JUST starting to be fully content with my life. This is wholly and completely inconvenient! I have things to do! I have my career to focus on! I have family to deal with! I have to deal with my cat's on-going vet stuff! Like this is the WORST and has come at the WORST possible time!!!! I told myself that I had had my great love of my life and I didn't want to love anyone else, even if I didn't love that person  in that way anymore, that I was done.

I knew there is an ugliness in that person I loved for so long, long ago, that that love is gone, it's never coming back, nor do I want it back. I just want it all gone. Then of course, realizing that there is part of you who still loves, and will probably always love, a version of that person who no longer exists, even if you aren't IN love with them anymore.

The truth of it is, no one has made me feel that way in almost 15 years other than this person and I don't know how I feel about this.

If I could turn off my feelings right now, I absolutely would.

Of course, *big sigh*, my brain starts to do its thing telling me I am unworthy of love and that my body isn't and will never be good enough. I try to talking myself down and out of it, hoping that if I tell myself that I don't feel anything and that it's just my silly imagination, then it will be true.

But then I also find myself dressing up every day wearing these cute outfits like this one. :)

I try to be as practical and as rational as possible, and I talk myself constantly out of my own feelings.  To be honest, I am terrified of letting myself feel anything because I know how badly it can go for me, and how badly I can hurt my own feelings. I tell myself that I am imagining things, that it's not true, that I don't see and sense what I do, and that the sooner these feelings are gone, the better, because I can get back to real life. My real life doesn't involve this nonsense, it involves my career, it involves being respected in my field, it involves finishing my album,---etc.!!!

I tell myself that I absolutely cannot feel this way, because I don't even know this person. I have to be PRACTICAL.

But at the same time, I can't not make the way my heart sparkles when I catch this person looking at me when they think I can't tell that's what they're doing. I catch them looking at me out of the corner of my eye, I catch them listening to me sing. For the first time in my life, I have someone I am nervous to sing in front of, in a way not even an audition panel makes me nervous. 

I tell myself that everything about this is wrong, and that's come at a wrong time, and that it will hopefully pass.

...but I also can't stop smiling when I think about it.