This little girl inside me Is retreating to her favorite place Go into the garden Go under the ivy Under the leaves Away from the party

The above video is not mine, but the photos are mine from 11 years ago. I've been back twice since, but I am longing to return again.

I love the Conservatory of Flowers in San Francisco. For a long time, in fact, most of my childhood, it was closed to the public for repairs. It's such a magical place, it's almost impossible to believe that it's real.

There is just something about it that taps into a part of my brain and my heart that just says, "yes." Maybe it's because it reminds me of The Secret Garden, or Indiana Jones, or S.E.A. or something.  I am a sucker for man-made nature and bodies of water (I don't know how to explain it, but I just love it, lol). I love the little bridges and walkways. I love the fake waterfall and the fish pond and being able to walk behind the fish pond's waterfall. Something about these things are just restorative to my soul.

I wanted to go here before the year was out, but with only two weeks left, I am unsure if that will happen. I want to try at least, though. I will try to take myself on a little date here. No one has ever taken me on a date here or anywhere, and this time of year is just a bad reminder of false promises. I don't really need it, anyway, I can take myself wherever I want and do whatever I want.

I am so sad, nothing feels like Christmas at all. This time of year ALWAYS makes me sad, but I have been ESPECIALLY sad this year. I haven't been out and round to see the lights or decorations not even once, I am so sad.

I am so sad, but I am trying so hard.