I will say that this is pointless And you will say that it is not You just need a little time To figure out what it is you want

I am deeply struggling right now. I feel as though I am losing the battle against my unwellness. I am trying so hard, and despite how clumsy these last few days have gone, today is better than it has been. It's not to a place where I think people need to be scared or anything (not that anyone gives a shit anyway), but it is very, very bad, and I struggle deeply. 

I am trapped in a limbo of a half-packed living space, and unable to move in either direction, surrounded by the pins of removed framed treasures and a hay bale of  bubble wrap.

I have to be realistic; I have to make do right now. There are things I have to finish before anything else can happen. At the very least, I will spend this week getting the boxes in a more manageable state.

The time change was Sunday. And whilst it was actually a lovely day I will write about later this week, my brain does not do well with the time changes. It's nice that it's not night when I leave in the morning now, but it will be night when I am home. Again, I never suffered from seasonal depression until Covid hit and all of the transit was cut. Now over the last three years, it is unbearable. Something I never experienced before 2020 is now my nightmare every year for the last three years.  I also forgot to pack my flashlight for tonight

It rained Monday morning. Whilst I always welcome the rain, it has now, too, become over-bearing. The flooding that was all this last winter was too much.  With transit the way that it is, rain is unbearable. What used to be sweet and cozy and easy to romanticize is now another nightmare. Even though I finally became sensible enough to buy a damn raincoat and matching boots, I still feel like very little can alleviate it. 

The year is almost over and I feel so unprepared. I hate Christmas and it's almost here again. I feel unprepared for that. I missed all of the Halloween activities this year, and also anticipate another vet visit next month. I am sad and tired. I am lonely, isolated, and miserable. I know everyone else loves this time of year, but I absolutely do not, and am already bracing myself with people celebrating that disgusting "holiday" a few weeks from now and not even blinking at their own cognitive dissonance. 

I am struggling, but I am also doing my very best.