does it really matter? As long as you're not afraid to feel Touch me, hold me, how my open arms ache

 

@kaitlynondrizek24 so lucky #monterey #montereybay #fypシ #fyp #montereybayaquarium #aquarium #aquariumdate ♬ mrs magic by strawberry guy - cronks

 Not many things "get" to me, but this sweet little video certainly does. It somehow manages to tap into a very guarded part of me buried deep in my core that blasts open the tear duct flood gates. I experience to very little of these kinds of feelings, but I cannot pretend that I am wholly immune; like, I am not going to lie and say that this didn't get to me and make me tear up, I can't do that.

Maybe it's the FOMO, but I think more than likely, it's the fact that this is a very, very basic and common human experience that most people get to experience. It's not that I am particularly sad that I am the way that I am (despite a lot of outside pressure to be more sad about it than I am), I think it's more of the fact that my entire life has been robbed of very normal, very basic human experiences. 

And, let's face it, my window for having these kinds of experiences is gone. That's it, it's gone, it's over, it's done. I am too old. 

And, you know, all the "what ifs" like, "what if I had had two parents?" "what if I wasn't saddled with taking care of everyone else?" "what if I had listened to myself instead of outside influences in 2015 and ran away that situation the way I wanted to?" "what if my entire life hadn't been mucked up?" what if what if what of why

WHAT IF, for once in my life, I did get to be just like everyone else? WHAT IF, for once, I got have just a normal, healthy, happy human experience?

But the truth of it is, this is the way that it is, this is what I have been given, this is what I get. 

I don't even think I want these things, because I don't even get these kinds of feelings, I just think I want to feel normal. I wish the people in my life were happy for my accomplishments, for what I HAVE done, instead of waiting for me to have the hallmarks of accomplishment they've set for themselves. I wish that the people in my life whom I love would support my version of being happy instead of trying to make me feel bad for not wanting the same things I do.

I know this is a lot of feelings unlocked by a 15-second video (which is absolutely adorable and sweet, and my feelings have nothing ill towards them).

I know I am not like everyone else and that this is just how it is, but sometimes, like this time, I kinda wish I were.