Some thoughts

There is something that has  been on my mind for a long time, nd I thought now would be as good a time as any to talk about it.

I have previously addressed this in other entries, and in other spaces, such as LiveJournal, but I figured since this is my main space and platform, it would be good to have these things in this space, too. 

I have never understood why people expect strangers online to issue apologies, least of all when the misdeeds were not even directed towards them; as in, asking someone whom you don't know and who did nothing to you personally, grovel begging for forgiveness. I don't get it.

I am a firm believer in actually dealing with things. 

I cannot change what has happened, but I can always make the world a little better, a little nicer, moving forward.

I have no problems with taking accountability for things I have done they were imperfect, or flat out wrong. I often over-apologize for things, even if they are not my fault. I will not take 'responsibility' for things that I have not done.

I want to talk about some of the things that have happened.

I was a mentally ill child being forced onto incompatible psych meds against my will and who wasn't actually receiving any care or treatment for my conditions. I had no control over my body or my life. However, I was still physically the same person, even if the person that was being forced onto these "medications" if not in any way who I am, I am still responsible for the person in my physical body.

I have a history of previously being bad with boundaries; this is a hallmark of someone who has regularly had their own boundaries violated. This is also a hallmark of neurodivergence, not being able to read situations the way that neurotypical people can. I violated boundaries because I didn't know what they were. If I had violated your boundaries, unknowingly, I am sorry. I am sorry that your memories of me are of me in this horrible state. I am sorry for any discomfort this may have caused you. I want you to know that you did nothing wrong, and that you handled the situation as best that you could, because I was incapable of handling it at all. I believe that the apologies should always be as loud as the disrespect, and I doubt the people who should read this will be. But, I respect their privacy.

I am not sorry to the people who repeatedly took advantage of my misunderstanding of boundaries. I am not sorry to the people who exploited my lack of understanding, I am not sorry to the people who lied, I am not sorry to the people I apologized to, let me think everything was fine, and then turned around and lied.

I have said a lot of things that were inappropriate. I have sometimes behaved in ways that were inappropriate, and I take responsibility for those things. I do not take responsibility for things that I have not done.

It's easy to vilify the other person than it is to tell the whole and complete truth.

It's easier to blame me for friendships that have fallen apart, instead of recognizing that they were not working. It's easier to hold onto things that don't work, and haven't worked in a while, than it is to accept that things are not--and blaming the wrong person for it not working. It's easier to blame a common target than it is to take responsibility for your own role in things.

Some of my most intense bullying has come from people who were supposed to have been my friends, even well into adulthood.

I have said my apologies to the people who needed to hear them. I did not and do not do it  for myself, I do it for them. If they choose to not accept my apology, or if it never crosses their path,  there is nothing I can do about that. They don't have to. But I will not apologize to internet strangers out for blood. I will not apologize for the things I haven't actually done. 

I will not hold my career back anymore because of these things.