I got new love, new skin to wrap myself in New lows, new sins to lose myself in New heart, new limbs

 *screaming internally*

Peep my *literal black eye from crying*

*more screaming internally*

[Corsetted by God Clause]

Anyway, how it is going, everyone? I am doing TERRRRRIIIIBLLE, thanks for asking! 😃 My entire body is covered with incredibly itchy and painful hives! I am in excruciating discomfort. I have been crying non-stop. I did the best I could to stay off of my phone and try to avoid Sweeney Todd-related panic attacks, but I wasn't as successful as I had hoped.

I even tried to do my hair yesterday!

At least my skin is nice? I have that going for me? My *impressively shiny* forehead.

 

I spent a good portion of this weekend trying to spend as much contact-time with Beatrice as possible before she goes to the hospital for 3 whole days away from my and then comes home ATOMIC and I cannot touch her for two weeks.

I am getting so good at this. At least I am good at something.

Most of my Not On My Phone Avoiding Sweeney Todd/Sewer Rat-related Panic Attacks was spent sewing. Sewing is great (when the fucking machine works 😐) because it is a totally engrossing project where you take vague suggestions of ideas and little piles of nothing and turn it into something tangible!  I am still not that great at it (and don't look too closely at how badly I fucked up doing the lining, but I am not trying to be a professional! It's just something that I wanted to try because I got tired of spending money on sewing projects sent to others and not getting exactly what I wanted back (which is partially my fault). I hate shopping and spending money for clothes because I do not have an off the rack body.

Like I said, this is the Chaos Train

I really do love this new machine and it's usability. It was the same price as the one that Beatrice unceremoniously yeeted, but it has the reverse-stitch feature and it's actually way easier to navigate. I find that the more expensive a machine it, the easier it actually is to use and control, and you have more detailed and finite control over the stitching speeds and stuff. This little machine is just fine for my purposes, which is just to make little clothes for myself.

This just reminded me of  lighting in some Caravaggio paintings.

TA DA!

\

I would describe my working style as "explosive" and "chaotic."

I also don't have a proper working station (because people who make noise all fucking day, every day, and are a constant fucking wall of noise CRYYYYYYYYYYYY about the sound of the sewing machine,  and piss, shit and MOAN if I so much as  whisper the suggestion of using one of the desks or the kitchen table, so I am literally sitting on the floor like a kindergartener using the box the machine came in and a couple of very flat books.

The initial try on!

Ignore the cat bowls on the floor, life with a kitten (that is never being monitored) and 3 other cats is chaos. I am literally constantly being crushed by the chaos of people who cannot get out of their own fucking way, least of all mine.

c h a o s

Backtracking a little bit, let me tell you about my MISTAKE--

I messed up a *kajillion times* on  making the Pinocchio skirt, but it was a valiant first try. I did not make a waistband on the Pinocchio skirt, so proceeded to think I could just make this Easter one the same way, including the zipper. 

*Narrator Voice* this was a mistake.

Again, please forgive all of the bits of fabric and thread that ended up all over my rug.

I *deeply struggled* with trying to figure out how to get this waistband together, and I definitely made a mistake and did this wrong, but, *magically* it somehow worked.

For a $40 machine, I am incredibly impressed with how well it handled this.

WE HAVE A SUCCESSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE DID IT, KIDS!!!

IT.

IS.

FINISHED!!!!

*.gif of the flaming Elmo

Okay, please take a moment to appreciate how stinking cute this is, even if it serves zero practical purpose, and I messed up many, many times on the actual fastens on the other side.

 (no, I do not know why I spelled "goats" with a Z)

One of the mental and emotional issues that I run into when I finish big projects (or, any project, honestly), is that my anxiety of getting towards a finish line becomes such a frenzy, no matter how tired I am, that I  feel both paralyzed and feel like I have to keep working. The only thing that I think I can compare it to is Mr. Toad's manias. This happened to me in 2019 and 2020, when I worked so hard and intensely on making albums (especially since for 3of the 4, I did everything myself), I just had to keep making them. It was literally a mania. The post-album-making-anxiety was so real. The "I don't know what to do with myself, I have to keep working" mania is a real thing. When I finished the Easter skirt, I had to FORCE myself to stop working on sewing and go to bed. I told myself I could do it in the morning.

I ended up not working on sewing yesterday at all, but instead forced myself to sit down and draw when recording wasn't feasible.'Chil il bel sogno' is *almost there*--but it's decidedly NOT there, and I would rather it be there and be perfect than to settle, especially knowing I am capable of more. I have this week to wrap it up, because as of next Friday the 7th, I will be losing 99.9% of the access to my room because of Operation AtomiCat. I decided to put YouTube on the TV and have that drone in the background whilst forcing myself to draw.

I used to be known for my art, and I only draw/ paint a couple of times a year now. I am trying to regain the habit of spending less time on my phone and just replacing that with other things like drawing.

I decided to break out of my comfort zone by drawing on of my comfort characters, Princess Peach!

I love the Nintendo universe for someone who has never played video games. I watched the cartoons of Super Mario and Sonic (whom I know is not Nintendo, STFU) as a kid. I also spent hours of my life watching my friends play video games and drawing them the characters. I have a strong emotional attachment to Legend of Zelda and the Mario universes (and, no, I will NOT be watching the abomination with Crisp Rat, I am a RAT free zone).

Initial Peach sketch

I felt like this one had more to work on, even if I still like the other one and want to revisit her later.

Refining lines.

Splashes of colour.

Some initial inking.

I will be revisiting this one later.

I am constantly being terrorized, and two of those ways are being infantilized because of my disabilities and *purposely preventing me from not getting enough sleep*, and then treating both of those things like I am just being a spoiled princess of a whiny baby. My hands were shaking because of my lack of sleep and I was sobbing as I left the house today. This happens more often than I care to admit. I am really struggling, if I can be honest. I am deeply dreading how difficult Operation AtomiCat is going to be, because I know that they cannot be bothered to move an inch to make any of the experience even a modicum less awful.

I am constantly being crushed by everything--people making sure I am not sleeping enough, being emotionally terrorized, not eating enough because people are eating my food they know I can't just go out and buy more of, the dangerous commute, etc. etc. etc. It's always the narrative that the girl is "crazy," and not, you know, being abused. So, even though I am dealing with forces that are trying to crush me at all costs, I am trying to do what I can. I am trying to not let my life be completely devoid of joy. 

I find myself spending a lot of time with the word "just" a lot lately. If I could *just* get 30 minutes more sleep. I *just* want to finish this aria and finish my opera album. I *just* want 15 minutes alone to myself uninterrupted. If I could *just* have just a little windfall, *just* a little break from constantly being crushed. The multiple deaths and the multiple funerals, the flooding, the constant rain, the constantly having to cater to narcos' every fucking whim, having to deal with my cat's health issues, the financial and emotional set backs. This has been non-stop since December.

I have spent most of today in tears. I have reached my limits.

But I am trying.

Every Friday, I prep all of my clothes for the week to come. Part of that is a leftover from doing Dressember two years in a row. The other part of that is that it's just easier. Some people do meal prep for the week, and I do clothes prep. It's just one less step, one less thing to worry about in a wall of constant chaos. I look at the weather reports for that week, decide if there are any special dates, anything like that. Because I will BE LOSING ACCESS TO MY FUCKING ROOM FOR TWO WEEKS, I just want to stress that, the next couple of weeks, I have to only pull clothes to prep that can be put in the dryer just to make not having closet access a little less shitty. Because God knows not a single person is going to be able to alleviate the situation even a smidge. (This nightmare is brought to you by the same people who made my experience with Covid all the more awful because they knew it messed with my mental health and gave me constant sensory overload, and then PURPOSELY made sure I was over-stimulated as much as possible KNOWING that I COULD NOT LEAVE because I had COVID.)

Anyway. I had this prepped for last Thursday, but ended up not wearing it because I was home sick from work because my hives were so bad. So I wore it today.

It's true-vintage, thrifted, upcycled,  and me-made little wonder. 

It just felt like something today was going to need.

I am pleasantly surprised how well this skirt coords with so many tops.

This top was my grandmother's she made, and I miss her.

My and my 7ft personality cannot be stopped.

Well, I am feeling really beaten down right now, so maybe it can.

...but I am going to tell myself it can't.