Don't take my mind on a trip Cause to play me for a fool You don't love me that ain't cool

 I want to talk about accountability for a second.

I know I had spoken about this before on LiveJournal, but since LiveJournal is inaccessible these days, I thought it might be a good idea to re-share some of these thoughts here.

I have talked about some of this even on this platform before, but I think having one specific post that you can point someone to would be beneficial. 

I am going to be perfectly honest, I am not sure I really understand the use of someone who is a public figure being demanded by complete internet strangers to "apologize" for something that they may have or have not done. It's one thing if this person apologizes to the specific person whom they have harmed--either publicly or privately. It's another for complete strangers to just make demands at you, for something that they might not even understand the full context of. 

I am deeply sorry to the people I have hurt. I am not sorry to the people who took advantage of my mental illness.

Apologies don't always fix things, either. They're not magical cure-all for the misdeeds that ail you.

That being said, if there is someone who I have hurt or done wrong, listen, I am sorry.

I was not always an easy person to get along with. I am not going to ever pretend that I wasn't. But I want to talk to you about why.

I have a history of being terrible with boundaries, and I recognize that. However, and I have mentioned this before, for my historical demonstration of a lack of boundaries or not being the best with boundaries (which is the direct cause of my boundaries being exploited, i.e., being stalked for over 27 years), there were people who purposely exploited my inability to understand boundaries. Read that again. I know, and recognize that I have a history of being bad with boundaries, but this was also coupled with people purposely blurring these boundaries and using it against me. There were people whom I apologized to, and whom I thought I was cool with again, and then they would turn around and lie and tell other people I was "bothering them." They would pretend everything was "fine" and then "report me" for "bothering them," and then would go home and laugh about it online using my entire full name. I had people, especially in high school, who would set up what were essentially traps for me.

I had people lie about me because I was an easy target. These lies were horrible. They were disgusting. They were demonstrably false, and were proven to be false. And, no, I didn't respond to these things kindly. No, I was not gracious when someone planted weapons in my lockers and then told on me, or lied and said I touched or harmed them when I didn't even know who they were. They were lies then and they are lies now, and no, I don't think I responded to these things as effectively as I could have, but I was also a child.

I have spoken openly about the circumstances I was under during the period in which I attended high school. I survived domestic violence and was socially ostracized for it. I was bullied relentlessly. My "friends" were people who were mean to me, used me as their "pity friend," and would purposely lie about me and to me to get me into trouble--because I was an easy target. My first boyfriend cheated on me with my "best friend," and I had residual sexual trauma, my grandfather had just died, and I had zero grief counseling and professional help. The "professional help" I did receive was useless and  I was on a bumper crop hit parade of incompatible psych meds that almost killed me. When I tell you that these meds almost killed me and turned me into an absolute out of control monster, I mean it. I had little to no control over my actions. I did things I could never dream or doing or saying, couldn't remember that I did them, didn't realize they had actually happened. I was actively self-harming and not covering it up because I didn't realize I had done it. I know that I am not the only person who has had these horrifying side effects, which offers me some comfort. Did I mention that I was still being stalked during this time frame?! yeah. The pits.

I was an out of control emotional monster who was being given medications that are now illegal to give to children. I was an untreated, mentally ill CHILD who was on multiple incompatible medications I was being forced to take by adults that had devastating pathological side effects. I had no control.

But I do now. 

What is under my control now is to apologize to people I hurt directly. You don't have to accept my apology, that's fine. You don't owe me your forgiveness. You probably don't even think about me. And that's fine.

So, why am I even bringing up high school now? Because there are people who do care about this, or who will care about this, at some point. People love demanding "accountability" from strangers who did nothing to them personally. But it's also good, for myself, to be transparent. I did it. That was me. 

I will be perfectly honest, though, I am not sorry to the people who lied. I am not sorry to the people who took advantage of me, my socio economic and social status, my mental health to bully me and then play the victim. I am not sorry to the people who were cruel to me, who lied about me, and who did terrible things to me, and thought they could get away with it because my family was poor and brown. There were things I did that I feel horrible for doing or saying. These were people that I had hurt on accident, and sometimes even on purpose.  But I absolutely will not apologize for shit I did not fucking do. And I am absolutely not sorry I did not fulfil your pity friend fantasy by succeeding in unaliving myself and went on to be way more successful than you.

Side bar, and probably irrelevant (but I feel still worth mentioning): One of the people who I had bad boundaries with, also led me on for so long, and ended up marrying the K-Mart bargain bin version of me.  No, I am not even making this up. Shit's fuckin' wild, man.

I am not going to hold my career back anymore over any of this, either. 

You can't run away from trouble, there's no place that far.

Edit: I would just like to make some things transparent. I thought about what I had written, and was worried I came across as a "look what you made me do" narcissist. I recognize that I was in the wrong many times, and wanted to be upfront about this. That was me, I did that. I also wanted to make it clear that I was not going to take responsibility for other people's lies. I am not going to live their lies. If I am going to be honest about some of the unfortunate ways I behaved and responded, it's only right to reiterate that this did not exist in a vacuum. You don't get to play victim and weaponize tears against me when you  purposely set me up, who were taking advantage of my bad boundaries or inability to understand and try to bully me to unalive myself.