I take a lot of photos. I don't consider them good photos, or impressive photos. Certainly not ~aesthetic~ photos. I don't care for or about being ~aesthetic~ . I just want to remember things the way that they were, not how I wanted them to be. One of the things that I decided to do on this last Disney trip was spend much less time taking photos on attractions and just enjoying the attractions. Seeing them through my own eyes and not through the screen of my phone with the things right in front of me.
Outside of Disneyland, I certainly don't spend a lot of times arranging things perfectly before taking photos of it. And, like, if you are one of those people who can do the "what in my bag?" challenges and have everything look neat and pristine and all laid out, like, make no mistake, I am incredibly impressed. Like, more power to you, my dudes. I might not posses this skill but I will just admire yours from afar.
I take pictures of things that I care about because I want to remember them. I take pictures of things as how they really were, because that's how I loved them.
I am really obsessed with the tan I got at Disneyland. Most of my life, I had darker skin. Unfortunately, these days, because I spend more time indoors and my anemia, I lost a lot of that. I was actually born with dark skin.
A splash of sun does a few wonders!
You can *kind of* see in these photos that my hands are chewed up. My hands have become destroyed with all of the hand sanitizer I've had to use these last almost three years. I am a bit sensitive about it. I don't post photos not because I am *~social media fake~*, it's just that I don't want to remember them being like this. I don't want to remember that almost three years into this, we are still wearing masks, that my hands are destroyed, that there is so much ugliness and sadness still.
If you zoom in on this photo, you can see nose hairs. You can see the disgusting hair that grows on that one side of my neck because my hormones and body are messed up. You can see my misshapen ears I further ruined by gauging them back in the day. You can see the lines on my neck which show up in photos, but not in the mirror. You can see that my nostril on that side is also misshapen. You can see the scar under my right eye which bothers me. But you can also see I don't have creases on my forehead or under my eyes or around my mouth.
I am not one of those people that believes that "every photo of you is a good photo," or that "if you are having fun, that's a good photo of you!" That's such toxic positivity horseshit. If I don't look good in a photo, I don't feel good about it! I am not saying that I have to look ~perfect~ in every photo--there are a lot of photos where I just look like a Grade A Idiot, and those are some of the funnest and best photos of me. I am talking about ones that are deeply unflattering, or photos of me when I am suffering from abdominal distension (which is usually stress-related, also which people love policing the way I talk about it, because fuck you, too).
Most of the photos of myself that exist now are selfies anyway. Timed camera shots, mostly. I got sick of people who never sent you the photos of when you hung out with them because you looked better than them in photos (not that I believe this, but they do). I don't want to compete with anyone, so I don't understand this. I am just sad that it's like this, you know? I am not more special than you, I promise.
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