hi.

 hi.

hello.

I know that I haven't been updating here as often, and that's because  not only is a lot happening all of the time I can barely keep up with, but I am trying to significantly reduce my screentime. I haven't actually been that great at reducing my screentime, as I am still constantly on my phone, either doomscrolling or checking for messages. In theory, I am doing better by no blogging. Again, in theory.

My mind is never quiet these days. I try to be as intentional as possible with everything. I try to mindfully go through my day. I have been trying to pause with my mornings especially,  thoughtfully pausing to drink my coffee whilst quietly listening to Glen Campbell. I have been doing my best to calm my nervous system. I have also had terrible allergies lately--worse so than any years prior--leaving me feeling rather vulnerable and living with the fear that I might not even be able to sing ever again. You know, totally normal levels of fear and concern, and not even in the slightest bit the kind that keeps you up at night. I have also been trying to keep my intrusive thoughts and rumination under control.  I am not that great at managing it, but I am trying to keep it under control.

Again, you know, totally casual and normal things.

My May was very full.  I saw lots of friends, went to muliple museums,  did the art drop in Japantown,  went to Stanford Powwow, went to the dentist, and had a very busy social calendar. May felt longer than usual, even though it was filled to the brim with a lot of wonderful things. May really felt like the last hurrah for Spring this year, and last weekend really felt like the beginning of summer. I am making it a point this year to really enjoy my summer, as I felt as though I "lost" summer last year. I am also going to be making it a point to do "Summerween" for the first time ever. It's later longer and longer, and I haven't been able to enjoy it yet. This winter was so hard on me, that I really feel as though I need to enjoy the extended daylight hours.

 From June onward, Jupiter is supposed to be in Leo for the first time since around 2014-2015. THOSE were certainly seminal years I don't know if I want to repeat, but maybe the next two will be better this time around? June specifically is supposed to be wonderful for both Leo and Capricorn placements (as a Leo stellium and a Capricorn moon and rising), I am trying to look forward to June. I want to enjoy June.I want to enjoy the whole summer. I actually can't think of the last time I actually enjoyed my summer.

I finally got to make arrangements to go to LA later this month. We will be visiting my aunt whilst we are down there, and going to the La Brea Tar Pits Museum (before they potentially ruin it forever). I have already started packing. I don't think I have ever made plans to go on vacation this close to the date I plan on leaving, which isn't like me at all. I hope this doesn't trick my brain into thinking that it has more time than it does (because it certainly does not!). There is also the matter of what to wear. I know that this is very silly to most people, but what I wear will significantly impact my ability to enjoy my trip. As I see my wardrobe as an extension of myself and  would like to be photographed on this trip, I want to make sure that what I chose to wear is perfect.  I know that if it isn't perfect, I am going to regret it for the rest of my life. 😥 Very rarely do I appear in photos, and I want to remember that I was part of my own life, too. I also cannot stress enough how much this museum has meant to me, and I feel like dressing up to say goodbye to this current iteration of it is the most respectful thing I can do for it.

I know I already mentioned that June onward is supposed to so wonderful for Leos, which I cannot stress enough that am going to be so grateful for because this year has been so challenging. I didn't know how much more of this I could take. Like I cannot believe the words, "I am taking a vacation" are coming from me, because I haven't had one in years. I haven't had a break in years. 

Even the word "challenging" just feels like a gross understatement of how deeply this year has broken me. In ways I didn't think were possible for me to still be broken! 

There are two things specifically, since February.

One, quiet quitting a friendship of 25 years.

The longer I have spent not in contact with said "friend," the better I have felt. Sometimes I see their stories on Instagram or Facebook, and I am just gobsmacked by how exhaustingly emotionally immature this person is. I have to pause and ask myself, "am I just being overly bitter, or is this person as grating as I realize they now are?"  (It is certainly the latter, I fear.) I realized when I didn't even miss what were by all accounts enjoyable experiences that something was most assuredly amiss. Whilst my nervous system spends most of its time completely emotionally fried, not interacting with this person has smoothed it out considerably. I just spent the last month experiencing things with people who make me feel recharged and refreshed and inspired every time I see them. I started drawing again. I started to reaching out to other friends more and more. I don't even think about this other person whilst I am out with my (better) friends. I don't feel any kind of "loss" by not being in constant contact with them. I was never a priority to this person anyway. I was always just a filler or standby untill a better offer came along. I think a huge part of this quiet quitting is that I am choosing me and choosing people who choose me not as a 3rd or 4th choice.

The second has been also weighing on me considerably for a while now.  I didn't realize that I could still be hurt in this way, and it has left me feeling as though all the hard work I have done over the last almost-decade has been for nothing. I feel like everything that I worked so hard on has been undone. The hardest part of that is feeling as though I don't... I don't know if I have it in me to re-heal. I don't know if I have it in me to try again. It almost doesn't even feel... real. Like did I just spend the last 3 years dealing with this? Was this real? Did this actually happen? Why did this happen to me, when I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it? It truly felt unnessecary and cruel. I won't be gaslit about it, either. I know it happened. I know what I experienced. No one can be dismissive or take it away from me. The last two months have been especially hard, because it all feels like it's a bad dream. All of a sudden, after three years, everything just... vanished. I realize now that I don't even think I really wanted it. It's not about being spoiled or petulant or not getting what I wanted; I just didn't want everything that I went through to have been for nothing. (I know this is vague, sorry, lol.) The whole ordeal was also deeply triggering and set off a lot of core wounds--not being good enough, not being enough, not being treated like a person, being used to both feel good and bad about themselves without any consideration that I, as a human being, might not appreciate that. The whole thing has just left me with a bunch of "whys"--why did I have to go through that AGAIN? Why won't someone ever treat me like I am real? Why can't just catch a bloody break, for the love of God?! I know that it was real, even if whatever it was is gone now. I just feel like it's going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

But none of that matters, because it's June now. June is indeed bustin' out ALL OVER, and it's supposed to be Bestest June Ever. I certainly DO NOT wish to relive the Summer of 2014 to 2015, but I will say, those felt like such fruitful and optimistic times. Now that I am older, I feel like I have less to be optimistic about, less room to wiggle around. But I am trying. I am determined to have achingly beautiful summer nights. I am determined to have fun. I am determined to actually enjoy my summer and to enjoy it in every capacity. The watermelon-lemonade-picnic-shorts-sandals-daytrips-bbqs kind of summer. Let's make up for all those years and the lost summers.

Summer is ready when you are....