Caro nome che il mio cor Festi primo palpitar

 I tried to sing in earnest again yesterday after weeks of not singing.

 

Because I have been sick dealing with bad allergies, I have mindfully abstained from singing as to not stress out my already distressed vocal cords.

It did not quite... yield the results I wanted (lol), but I tried not to be hard on myself. Emphasis on the word "try" being applied to all aspects here. It was.. an okay singing session after not being able to sing and being sick.  I tell myself that with time and care, my voice will return, and that my fears, though entirely rational (because it has happened to so many other singers), are going to be easily asssuaged with time. A lot of the muscle memory is there. I did not have the dexterity or control I was used to, I was not able to have the vocal freedom to sing in the way that I know I can, but... that's... okay for now. I have to baby my voice and baby step it back up to my standards. I just keep telling myself that it will happen, but it's just not right now.

To give myself some grace here, apparently "Caro Nome" isn't as easy to sing for most people as I think it is? That's...somewhat reassuring, I guess, lol. I will be perfectly honest, I know this is a beloved shimmering jewel in the crown of the coloratura and general soprano repertoire, but it's...well, it's my biggest opp. Like I detest this piece of music. I'm sorry, I just hate it, fam. B u t I am nothing if not a people pleaser and it's one that gets asked for all of the time, and I will be damned if I don't just give the people what they want. I don't care for the music itself (which is how I feel about a lot of Verdi, sorrrryyyyy), I don't care for the themes, and I certainly do not care for the opera that it's from. Yes, I am perfectly aware this puts me squarely in a minority position here. I am more of a Mozart and a Puccini girl, musically speaking. The themes of "a sheltered girl experiencing a modium of affection and having her first 'romantic' experience" is just lost on me, knowing that the person she had it with is lying to her and is gross. I also just can't separate this aria from the bad man she's singing it about. She is swooning over his name and it's not even his real name, the whole thing is a giant lie. I also tend to avoid all romance of any kind, whether it's toxic or not, and there is little to no romance to be found in any of my rep. I am absolutely repulsed by romance at this point, making this aria...uncomfortable to sing.(And, you know, Verdi seems to have been a nice enough guy, I just can't seem to get behind of his operas. Again, I am a Puccini girlie.)

"Signore, ...ascolta!" is the last thing I had recorded and released as a single before getting sick with allergies a few weeks ago. It's the first single from the new opera record, VISSI D'ARTE. Immediately after the release of MUST IT BE FOREVER, I wanted to get back out there with a recording that more contemporarily represented my voice.The last recording on MUST IT BE FOREVER was from 2023. That's three years. Your voice gets bigger and more and more refined the older you are and the longer you train. But I was waiting on the A6 for The Doll Song. It felt  excruciating to hold back a whole record just for one recording, but there was so much distance between that recording and the rest of the record. So I just....let it go.

It felt like I was admitting defeat. That I wasn't good enough. That I, in fact, couldn't do it. 

I have this deep fear that I have to vocally prove myself before it's too late and I can't sing anymore.

I had spent 3 years rebuilding my voice after the viral laryngitis. It would come back, I would get sick again, I would lose it. It would be like having to start all over from square one. Like I had never sung  before. Like I had to learn how to sing all over again. I feel this time around, it's not as bad as I think it is, I am just cautious. Which is... not a bad thing, like not at all! I think it's me being smart for once. Even though I have that fear and that need to prove myself and to get back out there, I think rest isn't a bad thing.

After I had released, "Signore,...ascolta!" I had been building up a couple of other arias as my next release in the interim. ( I am truly a Capricorn moon and rising to my very core, lmao). One of the ones I had in the rotation was "Caro Nome." I also had "Vissi d'arte" and "Chacun le sait" in the pipeline (the latter of which requires some more work on the French, and, of course, a thoroughly obnoxious, gratuitous and unnecessary optional F6 at the end), but because "Caro Nome" has been with me for so long, I can.. probably say it will be my next single. 

I think I started working on "Caro Nome" around 8(-ish?) years ago, and abandoned it once I had fled the clutches of The Worst Voice Teacher Ever. On top of generally hating the piece (and everything for which it stands), I now associated it with them. (I swear to you, the thing is legit cursed.) I picked it up again in 2024 after MANY years of it collecting dust and gathering cobwebs. You know, just to see. I would compare it to riding a bicycle, but I am FAMOUSLY terrible at riding bicycles. But I guess it was something akin to that. I didn't have everything in order, but there was a lot of it that I did. A lot of it that I remembered (including horrible habits from The Worst Voice Teacher Ever). My body remembered it. I know when you sing something enough, it becomes muscle memory. 

So all in all, yes, this is an incredibly long way to tell you that I am letting my voice heal and that my next single coming out sometime in July is going to be "Caro Nome."