Nothing stays the same You picked me then changed your mind again So I'll bе picking flowers Yeah, I'll be picking my own flowеrs

 Why are Thursdays always like this?

I just feel like not getting my beloved selfie spot upsets the apple cart of my entire day.

I am sadly not very good at hiding how annoyed I am.

Outer cardigan: thrifted

Cardigan: true vintage, thrifted from eBay

Blouse, skirt, safety shorts: Amazon

Tights: Target

Shoes: Sven Clogs, second-hand from a friend

Undies: Freya

I love this coord so much, I am sad I couldn't get my normal pictures of it. Sigh.

I am running on considerably less sleep than I would like because we had an earthquake very early this morning. I had been awake already for about 10 minutes prior because the cats had decided to go coo coo bananas apeshit tearing through the house. I know that they can sense these things before they happen, but I didn't realize that it would require them to go absolutely bonkers.

After the last several weeks of  blistering heatwave, it not only decided to rain again this week, it went back down to a sensible 63°-ish (it's 50-something right now, but will be in the 60s by this afternoon). Whilst I am relieved that it's my favourite kind of weather, I am saddened that my feet are back to being cold again.

I can't believe it's already April. The end of February was just such a dumpster fire, and I felt as though I lost all of March because of it. March seemed at once both eternally long and a blur. It being April already feels like whiplash. It feels as though I am still waiting for March. Did I really just brain fog an entire month away?

I just feel this insatiable ache in my chest lately. It's a sense of severe discomfort because of overwhelming sadness. A psychological and emotional state affecting my physical well-being.  I can distract myself for periods of time, but then I will remember, and I feel the pang in my chest, I will wriggle in discomfort. Apparently, autism-related shame-based rumination is a whole thing.  I was pretty relived to find out that this was not just "a me thing." I have been falling asleep listening to a lot of "detachment" meditations to try to sleep better, have less anxiety, be less worried about outcomes. IDK if it's done me any good, but, holy shit, LMAO, does every other weirdo manifestation meditation come up as a suggestion. "Manifest ANYONE," "I deserve PRINCESS TREATMENT!," "MANIFEST A BAJILLION DOLLARS WHILE YOU SLEEP!!!"--etc. Like, come on, I am just trying to sleep, hahaha!

I just hope that it resolves soon, this feeling. I hope my brain can move on to something else soon.  I am physically exhausted from being so sad lately. I would classify this feeling as "wholly yucky." It is a YUCKY feeling.  My shame triggers and their effects on my pelvic floor find themselves in endless loops--In my head, it's a sensation that resembles Sol Spin at Knott's Berry Farm.

I will say that over the last month (a little more), that I haven't talked to someone who was supremely draining me. I mean, I knew it was pretty bad, and I dreaded every single interaction with this person in a way that was starting to concern me because of the level of which I held resentment.  I deleted their unread messages, I muted them on everything. *poof* Such a significant source of unnecessary discomfort and stress was instantly alleviated. They have actually not tried to contact me at all since February. I  am sure that they feel the same way about me in some capacity. Truthfully, with the emotional stuff that I am dealing with right now, I don't think my nervous system could take dealing with them on top of that. 😆😅

Tomorrow is Good Friday, and then Easter is on Sunday. Here is to hoping that Friday will be gentler, easier, and softer towards me than this week or these last few weeks have been. Maybe something special will happen, I don't know. I just want something softer and kinder.