And I heard a voice that cries "It's all in vain" The voice of doom was shining in my room I just need one day somewhere far away Oh Lord, I just need one day

 Today, someone was in my usual selfie spot for the second day in a  row.

Like,.... listen, I know--I KNOW--there are a million other things we can concern ourselves with that are far more pressing than my trying to document all my outfits.

It's not just the vanity of the thing, it's the routine of the thing. I like things a certain way because it gives me stability and comfort. My spot gives me a degree of privacy whilst I do something silly like take pictures of myself in public. The lighting is natural, and not the hideous, sickly fluorescent lighting. It's not a dirty, filthy, worn space.  I am not nervous or worried about someone catching me, or getting too close to me. The way that the light catches the camera is super unflattering and, well, ugly, quite frankly. It triggers dysmorphia. I like routine, structure, and sameness. I need it for a sense of stability.

I am already got my Autistic Apple Cart upsetti spaghetti because I have had to change which train I take in the morning to avoid a certain person. I hate that I have to change what I do because of this person.

I hate that my nervous system is  constantly dysregulated. I hate the unstable. I hate the unknown. I hate that I don't have my selfie spot, or my spot on my regular train. I hate that I have no idea what's going on in my life.

All I have ever wanted is a soft life with a regulated nervous system.