the day I realized I was once part of a cult

 I used to be part of what I now consider to be a cult.

This piece features references to abuse and stalking. If this isn't for you, I will see you next time. xo

I do not say this flippantly.

I know that the word "cult" and calling something a cult is overused to the point of it rapidly obsolescing from its frequent misuse.  But when I say that I believe something is a cult, I mean it. As in, I really mean it.

I consume a lot of Ex-Mo content on YouTube. This started after I was basically tricked into going to a Temple open-house some years ago, and my constant terror over the frightening history of the 'LDS' history with Native Americans. Exmo Lex (whom I linked above), has deconstructed her time in the LDS church using the BITE Model of Authoritarian Control.

• Behaviour
• Information
• Thought
• Emotion

I was very lucky to get out when I did. I knew from the jump that something was amiss. From the first day, I knew that something was wrong. Not just wrong, but very wrong. That little feeling of fear was starting to bubble up in the back of my mind. I thought it was just my natural anxiety. Everyone told me that I was just being stubborn, difficult, asking for too much, having standards that were "too high."

I wish I had listened to myself. I wish I had run when My 6th sense first got set off. 

I am not an "I TOLD you so" kind of person. I don't care about being "right." I wish I had been wrong about this. I wish it had just been my dysregulated nervous system lying to me. 

And I wish in my heart of hearts that something I loved so much and so dearly didn't end up being my worst nightmare.

I am not going to name anyone, because I know this person and their legion of minions still regularly stalk and comb through all my social media. If you go looking for trouble, you're sure gonna find it. I don't know why people love asking questions they don't actually want answers to, but stalking former members is not unlike what happens to former Witnesses. This person and their minions are very set on controlling the narrative by any means necessary, and, since they have already used (laughable) intimidation tactics on me, I would just... rather not. 

BEHAVIOUR

    "This category explores how manipulative groups regulate and dominate their members’ actions and                 behaviors through strict rules, rewards, and punishments, limiting individual autonomy."

Strict rules ("policies"), with the constant threat of being let go. Classic "rules for thee, not for me!" dynamics at play. The Chosen Ones are rewarded with "special" treatments, and love-bombing. Any establishment of boundaries was met with being treated as though you are unreasonable, with the added threat of being removed.

INFORMATION

    "Examining the tactics of manipulative organizations to control information flow through censorship             and propaganda, restricting members’ access to outside perspectives."

This was certainly less  prominent  than some of the other tiers, but it was still there. There wasn't censorship in the traditional sense, and there wasn't any kind of restriction, per se, but there was certainly a full-blown propaganda machine at play that encouraged constantly fawning over a charismatic leader, and fighting to remain in the charismatic leader's favour at all times.  They said over and over and over how great they were, until you, too, started to believe it. Until you, too, believed that you could never succeed without them.

THOUGHT and EMOTION

    "Focuses on psychological techniques used by such groups to shape beliefs and attitudes, suppressing             critical thinking and promoting conformity." "Explores how manipulative organizations                                 manipulate emotions, fostering dependency and loyalty through love-bombing, guilt, and                                 fear-based indoctrination."

I am going to lump these two together, because they were the most prominent and strongest-held controls of the cult. I am still in therapy to this day, and suffer from what has legitimately been diagnosed as C-PTSD. I was coming out of dealing with two abusive relationships, and  I was so vulnerable to the manipulation--this desperate need to be loved. I knew I was being manipulated, but there was part of me that didn't want to believe that's what was actually happening. The rapid shifts between love-bombing and fostering dependency through predatory emotional manipulation to devaluation and belittling are something my nervous system has yet to recover from. You had to please the charismatic leader and fawn all over them, or be shred to pieces. They made you feel like you were their everything--even going so far as to tell you you were their "best friend"--"confiding" their most intimate secrets to you, acting like you were not only their friend, but a close confidant.. Failure to comply to their every whim was met with screaming, belittling, and removal from "the chosen one" circle. They used constant attempts at triangulation to make you try to compete for their affection, to remain being "chosen."

Later I have come to find out that they didn't just belittle me to my face. In fact, many of the other cult members were given front row seats to belittling behind the scenes--dismissing me as a "super fan,"  diminishing and downplaying my abilities and accomplishments, 

I knew all of this was bad. I knew what was happening, I knew exactly what was going on. I just didn't want to believe it. I went to other people who told me I was being "ridiculous," being "too picky," and "over-reacting."

It wasn't until there was an event that I invited multiple friends and family members to, that I finally came to the realization I couldn't do this anymore. Every single one of them asked me if this was normal. They asked if these events are always like this. They asked if the charismatic leader was always like this. I was so deeply and profoundly mortified. But I was now faced with the reality that I was not over-reacting, and that my deepest fears were true. I had to take a good, long, hard look in the mirror and decide what I wanted for myself.

I started to disengage in ways that were subtle. I was shopping around for new options quietly, and I was actively seeking a way out. I knew that I would not be able to just rip off the Band-Aid and get away because of the control that this person had on my life. I could not disrupt my entire social circle and closest friends, which is what the rest of the cult had become. I had known these people for decades. I love all of them. (.....well, not ALLLLL of them...) I had to escape, but I had to Brer Rabbit my way out of this. Quickly, quietly, and cautiously. I knew the leader had powerful minions and had increasingly become explosive towards me. 

I finally got away about a year after I left. It took me a full year to finally  fully disengage. I was still afraid of the leader. I am still afraid, if I am being perfectly honest. I don't know if that feeling will ever completely go away.

I do know that I will never be the same person again.

I am not an expert on cults. I am not someone who studies cults. I don't feel fit to write a book about it or anything like that. I do not present myself as an authority on cults. The cult that I was in was no where near as controlling or as dangerous as other cults. In many ways, I was lucky. I got out early. I didn't lose too much, other than the emotional and psychological effects. I knew what was happening when it was happening, I knew something was wrong. I knew something was wrong, and I was still unable to stop it.

I hope in sharing my experience that, at the very least, I can help someone else see that they're in a dangerous situation and do what is best for them. I am rooting for you.

In the immortal words of Sherriff Wylie Burp, "It's too tough, kid. Get out while you still can!"