On the edge of the labyrinth Under a veil you must never lift

Three weeks ago today was the last time I sang with my full voice. 

I lost my speaking voice for about a week, and it only a few days ago that I was able to speak again normally. I contracted laryngitis for no reason. There was no reason for me to get sick. 

I was able to sing for the first time in 20 days yesterday.

The emotional and psychological effects of not being able to sing are devastating to me, and they cannot be understated.

For the last three weeks, I have been forced to live in my silence, to not be able to stim through singing, to not be able to utilize the one thing in this world that brings me joy beyond all other things.

I was forced to sit in silence and think of the possibility that I might not ever be able to sing again.

I have not only been on vocal rest, but physical rest. I feel as though I have missed out on my entire life these last couple of weeks. I had Christmas gigs for the first time ever, and ended up losing all of them (as well as losing out on thousands of dollars). I was forced to sit out everything, in silence, with the very loud screaming from inside my head that my career, and my life, might actually be over.

I was a few weeks away from completing my opera record. I was so close to securing a reliable  sustained A6. I know I said that I was almost done (and I have been saying that now for ages, lol), but I was actually almost done.

Again, to reiterate, there was absolutely no reason why I got sick. I got sick because other people were irresponsible.

Last Sunday, because I was so depressed about missing both the Bay Area Kei event and the German Christmas Market the day before, I forced myself to go and do something on Sunday. I did a random bus adventure, where I would take the bus to the train station, and then take whatever bus came first and that would be my adventure for the day. I ended up going to the zoo. This view behind the waterfall in the tropical aviary made me think of the Conservatory of Flowers, somewhere I haven't gone in ages. There has always been something about fake-nature that is so restorative to my soul, I can't explain it. 

In the three weeks left of the year, I do have some things planned for the weekends, but in what time I do have, I want to take time for myself to do little quiet solo adventures.

The Conservatory of Flowers

I have fond memories of coming here at Christmastime about 11 years ago. I don't know if they still do the little train at Christmas, but I remember being very fond of that. It's so old world and magical, you feel like you're in an off-shoot series of The Secret Garden.

Glen Canyon Park

I've been by this many times. I see it every day from the train. I've been in a car that has gone past it, but I have never personally gone. It's this little patch of wildness in the middle of a major city. San Francisco has several of these spaces. I think I will take a friend along with this one, because I would rather not hike alone.

San Pedro Valley Park

Another place I haven't been in ages, and don't want to hike alone.

Glofari

I've ALWAYS wanted to go and I've never gone!!!

I have to reside myself to the fact that I am still healing. I ran out of time to do any of the other Christmas-y type things I wanted to, and that that is okay.