Everything is changing And this is how it's gotta be but How can something so beautiful leave me so desperately?

 

It rained this morning. It has rained the last few days. It poured in the early hours of the morning before I left.

I cried as I was leaving the house today because I did not get enough sleep and my depression is so bad. I feel as though my life is completely devoid of joy, I am trying really hard, but it is so very hard. The weather really took a hard turn for the coldest. It went right to winter. It's hovering around the mid-50's now at the highest. I am just constantly cold, constantly wet, constantly miserable. I am so cold all of the time, I am in physical pain.

I can hear the ocean from my house on most days. Today I could really hear it. I could hear it roar and crash from across the highway. As I was walking the half-mile to the bus stop, I saw how beautiful the sky was. I didn't get a picture of it because I had too many things to carry, as I always do, so you will just have to take my word for it. It was lavender and soft pink with hints of dusty baby blues and looked like a painting in one of the dioramas at a natural history museum; it was too beautiful to be real. Too soft, too immaculate, too supple to be real. The kind of pink and lavender dove-soft clouds you only see in Renaissance paintings or in the back of these natural history museum dioramas juxtaposed with the roaring crash of a post-storm ocean. 

I have been trying to find little things lately. Little touchstones to  ground myself with. Today is the was the vastness of what I hope Heaven looks like and the power of the Pacific Ocean.

It's little things keeping me here right now, like my cat, finishing my opera record. Little things. Something happened to my brain when I had Covid--I had not experienced depression like that in years, and coupled with the fact that I live with people who tried to make me as miserable as humanly possible, mocking me to "call a hotline" instead of being my family. Covid was a blackhole of depression I had not faced in years. Even though I had Covid 3-4 months ago, I haven't been able to shake that awful feeling. Seasonal depression, which I had NEVER experienced before 2020 came earlier than it has the last couple of years, and hit me way harder than it has in the past. My family is being particularly shitty,  with some "You are causing drama by standing up to the toxicity in the family" shit that has really sent my brain into a fucking spiral.

It's a little bit of everything right now: narcissistic abuse on multiple fronts, rising global fascism, climate change, compounded by hollow, minor successes and being so fucking cold, ALL OF THE FUCKING TIME.

I am trying, but it's very, very hard.