Wenn nicht dies Gesicht schon genügend spricht

 "Wenn nicht dies Gesicht schon genügend spricht" is one of the most abjectly hilarious lyrics in this entire aria.

My new single came out yesterday. It's a re-recording of 'The Willow Song' aria from The Ballad of Baby Doe. I like it much more than the version that it replaced, but I am still not completely happy with it. 'The Willow Song' is my White Whale aria, and so there's always going to be a little tear in my heart knowing I couldn't just nail it. Yesterday would have been my grandfather's 101st(th?) birthday. I try to release something on his birthday every year, because he never got to hear or be part of my music, which has honestly been devastating for me.

I am almost done with my opera record. I am supposed to finish by November but I don't think that is going to happen. I am still working on Mein Herr Marquis, but I keep having panic attacks trying to record it. Like I get maybe 2-3 takes in and then I start to panic and or I just want to die. It's pretty terrifying, honestly. I am supposed to finish it by this coming weekend, but I don't know how that is going to go. I am trying to pre-hydrate in the coming days before. All I know is that I am just not happy. I am burnt out. Arias are only about 3-4 minutes and they are so much work.

Classical music is such a demanding and exact discipline, and is exhausting. I am SO TIRED. This is all just so unsustainable. I am mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. Getting some streams and new listeners from the Kate Bush cover has been very nice, and I hope some of those people stick around. As grateful as I am trying to be, like, NGL, it's also kind of sad that such a low-effort offering of me wandering around in a parking garage with a little handheld micro cassette player is the song that popped off because of Stranger Things, and not, you know, the fact that I have worked my ass off for over a decade.

I am trying to be as gentle with myself as I possibly can, but it is a very big ask of myself. It's not easy. I have everything to lose. I don't have any other options other than to succeed, you know? When  I was a kid, my mom told me that I would always have to work harder than all of my peers for less, and I always took that to heart but just showing excellence in every interval that I could. I have had to work so much harder than a lot of my peers in all of my fields, but especially a lot of my music peers. I don't know if I have it in me to work this hard nonstop anymore. I am not a competitive person (sort of?)(I mean not really lol), but there is something in me that says I have to beat the people who have had everything handed to them. Like there is no way some talentless, spoiled little shit who has never worked a damn day in their life is gonna be more successful than me, I will not allow it. I object! Lol.

Part of the other issue is that I do everything myself. I do all of the work. Especially for my pop stuff, not a single other hand touches my stuff but me, and that has really been exhausting. It is so hard to work so hard, I cannot stress that enough.

My skirt my friend Shana and I have been working on arrives today and I will take photos of it, as well as document this quest. It's little things like this (as well as that one self-righteous YouTuber I absolutely detest being much younger than me and aging badly) that keep me afloat.

I'm trying. I am sure this recording of The Willow Song and this album as a whole isn't the failure that I think it is.