While abandoned dolls in the seaweed dream with open pearl eyes, Among whales

 

We got a zoo membership for Christmas. We've only used it once, the day that we got it. I am going to the zoo by myself on Saturday. Pre-pandemic world, I used to love going places on the weekend. But now I feel anxious, even when going to go walking to get cat food. I feel completely frozen, immobilized. Debilitated. I feel like there is nothing spontaneous any more because everything is based on reservations.

There is a lady who rides the bus with me every morning and she works at the zoo. I see where she gets off to catch the transfer, and I've decided to *try* that.  I am anxious because doing anything by myself now makes me anxious. The buses run less, and even with everything lifting, there are still fewer people out and longer and longer stretches of you being alone.

This last Saturday, I cleaned my entire house. It still wasn't "good enough," but I tried. I realize that there is just so much that I do. It's like "if Cinderella does X Y Z, she'll get to go to the ball," only instead it's "Melody getting to go out and do something." So, I am going to try it. I am going to take myself to the zoo and just enjoy a day by myself. 

One of the other things that makes me sad is that my iPod battery isn't what it used to be. It's over 11 years old, so I imagine that's what happens. These days it's consistently attached to a portable charger or plugged into a wall. It still works, it just needs a little extra TLC. My iPod and me have always been the best of friends. It's gone all over Creation with me, and it chugging along now does make me a bit sad. It makes me less eager to adventure because my adventure buddy isn't doing well.

Right now, the upcoming zooventure is just causing a great deal of anxiousness. One, because I do so much on Saturday and Saturday is my Chore Day, and 2. losing one of my two rest days is... a lot. In fact, all of the upcoming things that would normally be met with alacrity are instead just met with anxiety and sadness. Even the idea that a month from now, I will be in Disneyland fills me with nothing but absolute dread. Everything, even simple little tasks are still so much work now. Even with things "lifting."

This will be my first completely solo adventure in almost 3 years. I went to the Walt Disney Family Museum earlier this year, but I met my niece and nephew there. Learning to navigate this new world is just exhausting.

I think the zoo will be a "safe" option as a first solo venture. I really have a lot of very fond memories at the zoo and there is an intergenerational love for it, PLUS! No one will get to dictate to me what I cannot and cannot spend my time doing! YES, I AM going to spend hours watching the Wolverine or the Red Panda. YES, I AM going to only look at things I want to. Ha! 

As I had mentioned before, I used the membership once the day that we got it, back in December. (Still trying to figure out how to get my Flickr photos on here!!) Anyway, it rained that day. I really love going to the zoo in the rain, I've discovered! It was quiet and mostly empty, but the animals were out and about in the rain (or sleeping).

Anyway, wish me luck!