"I want to be where you belong"

This entry contains some spoilers for the Aggretsuko series. This entry also mentions abuse and stalking.

If you had told me that a cartoon by Sanrio about the dire state of late-stage capitalism in Japan would have regularly brought me to tears, I would have never believed you.

Upon the insistence on of my best friends, I recently finally caved and watched Aggretsuko on Netflix, an anime series about a sweet young office worker red panda by day, and a death metal singer by night. The show is zany, funny, charming, and most importantly, very real. All of the characters are very, very real; they are more human than many of the series that are written for human actors. They are all complicated, clumsy, and flawed, and really are all great examples of how we all contain multitudes.

I was actually shocked to see that the series wasn't written by a woman, and thought a LOT of the topics it covered, many of which are incredibly taboo in Japan (sexism, abusive parents and siblings, homelessness, etc.), but not least of which (and the one that was handled perhaps the most masterfully): mental health.

Retsuko has many suitors over the course of the show, but the one  she ends up marrying is her co-worker, Haida. Haida suffers from considerable mental health issues, such as the extreme pressures of being a salaryman in Japan and (C-)PTSD from years of abuse from his father and brother. For a lot of people, Haida can be unbearable. Yes, part of that is because you don't know his actions are informed by almost 30 years of his father's mental, emotional, verbal, and financial abuse , and triangulation between Haida and his brother, Jiro, who is propped up as The Golden Child.

Haida was not a "Nice Guy" trope, where he put in Good Boy coins in hoping that reciprocated love would pop out. Haida's bad behaviour was not rewarded. Haida had to be held accountable, hold himself accountable, and take a good, hard, and long look in the mirror at himself. He was rewarded for his hard work, his true and selfless devotion, and, though clumsy and flawed, his deep and abiding love for Restuko, who ultimately is his true perfect match and his partner for life.

At the end of Season 1, Retsuko visits Haida in the hospital. After 5 years of secretly (or perhaps, not so secretly) being in love with her, Haida confesses her feelings for him. Off-camera (and what is revealed in the We Wish You a Metal Christmas holiday special), Retsuko gently tells him that she knew how he felt all along, and while she did like him, she was not ready for a relationship (she never at any point tells him that she doesn't like him, or tell him to go away--this is very important).

Fast forward to Season 3, which finds Restuko accidently part of an underground idol group, OTMGirls. The success of the group sky rockets after Restuko moves up from their financial manager to a member of the group. However, everything takes a turn for the worst a longtime superfan of the pre-Restuko OTMGirls becomes Restuko's stalker. This situation escalates until the stalker makes an attempt on Restuko's life, only for Haida to intervene, saving her life.

Soon after the attack, Retsuko completely withdraws. She experiences PTSD and C-PTSD symptoms from the attack. She does not go out to see her friends, and she does not go into work. Haida overhears higher-ups talk about the possibility of her being terminated--which would make it nigh-impossible for her to find a new job, putting her in the position of being a hikikomori (which comes up in later in Season 5). (Americans struggle with understanding the cultural differences and motivations, which is why I had to bring this up.) Armed with the zest of being told by Gori's dating app (still in Beta) that Retsuko IS his soul mate and perfect match, he marches over to her parents' home, and forces her to her beloved karaoke booth.

It's not about him taking advantage--it's about him understanding that the consequences and circumstances are dire, and using his love for her as his friend (and his 100% Match lmao) to motivate her to come back into society.

He shows her the app results, and tells her, "I want to be where you belong." Unlike any of her other boyfriends, he wants to get to know her for who she truly is, he wants to love her for who she is, he wants to be there for her and protect her, and he is going to do this whether or not she loves him the same way he loves her.

*Cue COPIOUS amounts of tears from me

When this came up in the Aggretsuko mobile game, I started sobbing.

Haida is someone who loves very deeply. He is a profoundly loyal friend, and even when he is imperfect, he means well. For an abuse survivor like him, found love is especially important. There has been a lot of "discourse" lately (though I am loath to dignify it was such) surrounding the new live-action Show White abomination. Snow White is the story of an abuse victim and survivor who does not let the abuse she has endured change who  she is as a person. She dreams of a home and a life where she is loved; it's not about finding a man to complete you, it's about finding someone who loves you after a lifetime of being made to feel unloved. I don't particularly feel the need to be rescued, but the sense that someone is going to take care of you, protect you, and rescue you from abuse is nothing to sniff at. After a lifetime of his brother being propped up as The Golden Child, his father's abuse, and not being able to protect his mother from what can be assumed is abusive arranged marriage, Haida is unsure of himself, cannot make decisions, and is self-deprecating. There is something to be said about, and it cannot be understated, what it's like to be such a loving person who has spent a lifetime without love. When he finally gets the chance to be near Retsuko in Season 4, he self-sabotages because he believes he does not deserve this--because of his lifetime of abuse.

Retsuko and Haida are the perfect match. They hold each other accountable (sometimes with some tough love), they support each other emotionally through tough times. Even when Haida wasn't ready to date Retsuko yet, she supported him as a friend, and held space for him until he was ready. One of the things the series does really well is showcase that complicated people with complicated emotions are going to make complicated mistakes, and that real love is complicated and flawed. Real love isn't a K-Drama. Real love isn't perfection, because perfection isn't real. Real love isn't the fantasy of  Resasuke, it's not an arranged marriage, it's not changing who you fundamentally are to fit Tadano's (out of touch) controlling vision. Real love isn't boy meets girl, falling instantly in love, and having everything be "perfect." Real love is knowing someone may or may not feel the same way about you, but still be willing to be with them and sit with them and make space for them in their darkest emotional hour. Haida originally fell in love with her because she wasn't perfect.

One of the other things I appreciate about the series is that it shows that real love, like all things good and worthwhile, takes time. We have become a society that wants what we want what we want, and if we don't get it immediately, we lose interest. I am not talking about still being obsessed with someone you dated for 4 months 10 years ago. I am talking about taking the time to build something with someone. I am saying that sometimes it's okay to not have it immediately or be sure about it right away. Season 1 Haida and Retsuko could have never been together, but Season 5 Haida and Retsuko getting married and deciding to be partners for life in all things is exactly how two individuals who grew together should resolve.

It was Haida's resolve to be her "safe harbor," to want to be where she belonged, it was his taking her hand in her darkest hour and reaffirming his love and support for her in a society that so greatly stigmatizes mental illnesses. He takes her hand, and refuses to be anywhere but by her side. Because even though he loved imperfectly, and stumbled innumerable times, it was still, at its core, pure love, true love.

May we all someday experience that kind of love.

Good boi, Haida. 💕